random quotes =]

  There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

 I can resist everything except temptation.

 I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

 I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.
-- George W. Bush

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

  Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them

 Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

 [Announcement on Easyjet plane]
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at 35,000 feet. Please hold onto your wallets, we're flying over Liverpool.

  After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history

  I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

 In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: "Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to walk all the way across the room to change a channel."

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.

Never date a woman whose father calls her 'Princess.' Chances are she believes it.

Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, the Police are German and it's all organised by the Italians.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent
pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...

 What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

 Never trust a thin chef.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out

   A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

  Most fools think they are only ignorant

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

   Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former-Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value

 Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut