Maybe I'm just depressed, dealing with long-forgotten childhood dilemmas, but chess.com isn't giving me the rush it did when I joined 2 months ago. It's not that my rating isn't climbing as I hoped it would, though I can't say that that hasn't encouraged feelings of disappointment within me. And it's not that I'm realising that winning chess games has little to do with my inborn ability but rather nearly everything to do with something far more boring: how much responsibility you take for each move you make. Though that as well is generating frustration in me and causing me to drag my feet through each day, refusing to admit that it is, in fact, My Fault. ...
(pause for effect. the writer finds his point of view altered and in order to maintain a sense of integrity must start again)
I can't stand that fact that I have to take responsibility for each move I make in the chess.com games. It's exhausting. I have come to expect a certain amount of holiday throughout my days, and chess.com was suppose to fulfil part of my quota. But losing certainly isn't what I'd expect from a nice break from life so in order to make chess.com the enjoyable retreat I was hoping for I need to make sure that I WIN! Winning is the reason I joined, let's be honest. In my last post I made the wonderfully honest pronouncement that what I cared about most was becoming a better player (which I said in a cool, centered tone, no doubt). Well now it seems a masturbatory thing to say. What I really want is a holiday. I want ease and a break and no more of this effort. I'll try hard when it suites me, when I have a cool, centered demeanor and can appreciate the value of work from my effortlessly easy point of view. ... Damn, maybe I'm just depressed.
(pause again. the writer has lost sense of value in his judgements. another restart to follow)
I had a good point in there somewhere. Chess.com is about a holiday, to me. But I want to win. In fact, I'm not sure that that is why... it's suddenly become winter down here in Sunny South Africa and I recon it's the icy mornings and overcast skies that has made me nonchalant about improving myself and seeing chess as another one of life's wonderful opportunities to Whatever. If you want to take a message from this post I recommend "You are not responsible for any of your problems!" And if the weather hasn't turned for the worse where you are then just take a look around and point out the biggest change in your life that has caused you distress. That's the reason you're no longer enjoying chess.com!! How could you be expected to stay focused and appreciative when that has happened?!?
... Jung (psychology pioneer), apparantly, use to hold conversations between the various "people" in his head. The jock, the scaredy cat, the wise man. Here's what my wise man has to say about my blog post:
... (he was saying something just now but then i wrote that prelude and now he recons silence is the best medicine)
... (not sure he's gonna say anything now. he was saying something about "ya, it's hard", you know, standard placating stuff, but it was reassuring hearing his soft tone and his ease. anyway. as long as he thinks it's ok. feeling better about the whole thing. can't even remember what i wrote. what was i saying? anyway. i'm going to go get some lunch and hang out with my girlfriend.)