The truth hurts
Well I had just put in the Narjof variation on the Sicilian when my opponent said he had read my blog post about my using a database during games. I became worried but acted as though I hadn't done anything wrong, kept casual and offered a draw if he was upset about it, which he didn't seem to be. I'll lose if we draw, he said, his rating is higher than mine so a draw reflects badly on his play. I shouldn't be worried, I thought. But I'm not sure, I thought. I didn't know if I was doing anything wrong, only that other people might think that. But I didn't want to stop what I was doing just because people were going to become upset with me.
To be honest, I just didn't want to be made a fool of. Being thrashed at something you consider yourself to be good at is very unpleasant. I just didn't want to be thrashed. So I guess it was easier feeling a little guilty because I was cheating. And what made it easier still was finding ways of convincing myself that I wasn't cheating. Don't other people know these openings? I could just learn them, so what's the difference? Well learning them is part of the skill, says my opponent. Most people don't know all of them.
Well, ok. The truth hurts, but at least it's the truth. I'm going to stop using these nifty tools whilst I play. And try to accept whatever happens. I do want to be a better chess player. And I don't think I'm going to get there using quick and easy methods. Take time with moves. Don't rush things. You can't become a chess master if you don't consider each position carefully. Use each situation to learn rather than to win.
My apologies to my first few opponents, who didn't know that I was using a website to decide my opening moves. It was dishonest and unfair. I give my word that it won't happen again.