this is how 2 play chess

Chess is played by three people. Two people play the game; the third provides moral support for the pawns. The object of the game is to kill your opponent by flinging captured pieces at his head. Since the only piece that can be killed is a pawn, the two armies agree to meet in a pawn-infested area (or even a pawn shop) and kill as many pawns as possible in the crossfire. If the game goes on for an hour, one player may legally attempt to gouge out the other player's eyes with his King.

When first made, chess games would end before they started, but the King of England decided that the game was too short, as such he introduced a rule that all chess players must think about their next turn until the opponent shows sign of extreme annoyance, and then wait for ten minutes more. If the player makes a move before the opponent is annoyed, he is to be squirted upon by a lemon.

These are the modern revised rules.

Here are some rules from 'Ye Olde RuelBooke ov Cheese'

• White players always start because they are racist
• No playere maye urinate upon the piecies ov the bored
• All platypusses are to bee removed frome the playing field before thine full moon.
• Correcte grammere and speeling muste be used by all players, on pain of a very unpleasante comfy chair.

PIDE Official Tournament Rules include:

• White first rule: White always goes first. This rule can be traced back to the time of slavery when the white pieces were allowed fifty moves before the black pieces were allowed to move.(Note that most of the time the black pieces did not participate in the game at all due to the fact that they were usually busying working in the fields.)
• The fifty move rule: if fifty consecutive moves involving pawn(s) are made then the game is immediately censored and declared a draw.
• The Touch-Move rule: if a player attempts to molest their opponent they must immediately move out of the playing area.
• Players are not allowed to make up their own rules: this rule does not apply to me, but it does apply to that chess club geek who keeps insisting that kingside and queenside 'castling' and EMP Peasant ('en passant' - see below) are actual rules and perfectly legal during games.
• 'J'adoube': 'I adjust' - an exception to the 'Touch-move' rule, if a player purrs at another player in french, they may molest them without penalty.
• Before making each move, a player must always have an agonizing look on his/her face, as if they need to do number two's.