The Worst Feeling in Chess

The worst blunder and the worst feeling in chess is one in which you have a completely won position that you fail to win. It is an absolute gut wrenching feeling that  every chess player experiences more times than they would care to admit. However, the bluntness of the blunder of this proportion is not made softer by company. The failure to be cold blooded as the opponent builds a counter attack is a sickening feeling.

You have an objectively wining position late in the game: you're up two pawns, the enemy king is exposed in the middle of the board, and your rooks are connected. Up until this point, the moves you made are sharp and accurate. You've executed your plan and exposed weaknesses in your opponents position. But the game comes down to the little things and, both maddening and beautiful, can change on a fucking dime. I get too comfortable and I make careless moves. I have to be the type player that closes. The challenge is actually being that player.

Let me explain: I let the white king get to e6. I let the king get to a position that essentially trapped my king in a position in which I lost the initiative in any way I was going to lose. And I couldn't figure out a way to mate the thing. I failed to get my king safely to f6. 

I needed to close that game and then a miscalculated and then before I knew it the game turned and it was over. Initiative is a fragile glass object that needed to be cared for and guarded. Counterattacks need to be acknowledged as legitimate threats and stomped out before they build too much steam. Time pressure was a factor, but that's no excuse.

I'm feeling a a deep sense of disappointment. I just need to share my humanity with all of you. This is what it comes down to: The game can change on a dime and you have to be ready. No position is guaranteed until the game is over. So when I get home, I'm going to write this down, so I'll remember. At this point, I'm just talking to myself(using voice note for this first draft). Maybe that is what writing is, talking out loud and hoping someone will hear you. 

The only thing I can do now is solve the position. I have to figure out how I was going to win that game. Where did I go wrong? How are you going to win it? That is what matters. I'm going to be better. I have to do this. If could completely ignore the pain, but the problem with that is then you don't learn from it. Don't run from your pain.