Nova Daily - 26 July 2025: Distance

Hi!

Today I was invited to meet up with some friends from my previous chess-club. It was a bit of a travel to get there as a couple of years back I had moved to an entirely different location. But it felt like the old days. As if no time had passed since I'd left the club and the region, as if we'd just continue where we had left the bookmark in our friendships. We had a lot of things to talk about, like that pompous "How can I make this about me?" guy, the people that we used to go on holiday with, and my dearest coach who has made such an impact on not just me but everyone who had the honour to have met him.

We had so much to discuss and recall that naturally we decided to loosely make plans for a next time. I'll be looking forward to it. However, there was one particular thought that struck me today. It might not have been a happy thought, but I experienced it as a rare moment of contemplation that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Distance

One of the people that I met at our meeting was a long-term friend of mine. This friend and I had been spending many a Sunday evening doing chess together. Often we'd play a 5-minute game, get an interesting endgame position on the board, pause the clock, and start analysing the position. We learned a great deal from this, and it was always good fun. But for the simple reason that life consists of more than chess, these sessions ultimately came to an end at some point.

Within the last years leading up to me moving away, this friend wanted a word with me. As it is, the circle of chess friends had been picking up on a vibe change in me for a fair bit of time. I was asked whether I was okay, because they had sensed that I'd been acting more distant for some time. Already back then I knew this to be true, but back then I couldn't divulge why this happened. There had been no animosity, no incidents, no dormant resentment. But they and I felt that I was distancing myself from them.

The way I see it is that I had a fear growing within me. I had seen part of my group of friends grow up together, only to grow or fall apart. The group of friends was tight-knit, but the gatherings became increasingly predictable. Part of the gatherings was no longer about enjoying chess together, which means that they were deepening the connection on other grounds. Completely legit, but outside my field of interest, and I found myself growing less interested in enjoying every gathering. And at the same time, and this might have been an entirely imaginary thing, I felt that I was being taken for granted more and more.

I have never had the intention to bash them because they're all great people that I've built so much rapport with over the years. That rapport is still there. But I have to be honest to myself and accept that I was no longer comfortable with recycling the same routine until slump and decay of my friendships would set in. Although my moving away happened because of different reasons that I won't share here, I felt that the break was both welcome and necessary.

Today I saw my friends for one of the first times since the pandemic had set in. My old Sunday sparring partner was there as well, and we rejoiced in our old ways by analysing an endgame that was drawn (if he hadn't flagged, that is). What I sensed most clearly was that any past negative emotions that might have been lingering had completely vanished, in me but in them too.

I don't want to pat myself on the back or sound overly melodramatic here. However, I genuinely believe that by withdrawing from the group's routine and physically distancing myself from them, I've managed to save my friendships.

Playing today

We also did play a few games today. One of the stronger players was playing so well that he was on the verge of adopting one of the others. Upon being told as much, he said "I wanted to adopt him, but we were facing issues with his visa."

I believe that the mark of a true friendship is the ability to not see each other for years and then recommence as if it was only yesterday. And I'm quite convinced that by reading that line, you also thought of someone dear in your life.