The Four Types of Chess Player

This is part 1 of my series, 'How to Enjoy Chess'. What will follow is a few blog posts on how I've managed to enjoy the game over the last decade or so of casual to more serious play. The emphasis is on 'managed', because, well, there have been a few darker times -- six months to a year of quitting chess, etc. -- and this is advice that may even apply to people who are stronger (and younger) than I am.

The first element, then, is the social side. In order to explain the social side, I have broken the four types of chess player down so that you get a sense of what you're in for on the 'social' side of the game. Everyone should recognise something of themselves here.

Type 1: The Poet

Rating: 0-1600

Social make-up: Mixed gender, mostly young 

At their worst, The Poet is that person who owns a beautiful chessboard set up wrong. There may be their only chessbook lying unread next to it, beneath a copy of Camus. They never learn much opening theory, but if they do they tend to be Romantics -- otherwise, you can expect a 1. b3 or even an early queen foray. These people are the most fun to play against (partly because one always wins). They never take it that seriously, and are always good sports. For many years, I was definitely The Poet, and no, I still haven't read the book of Chigorin's games that I purchased during this phase. You can stay at this level happily, playing bonkers games filled with blunders, playing friends in parks and generally having a good time of it. However...

Type 2: The Fiend

Rating: 1600-1900

Social make-up: Exclusively male, young to middle-aged

If The Poet lives in Eden-like innocence, The Fiend is what happens after The Fall: what happens when you start really wanting to win? They prey both on The Poet and others of the same type -- occasionally in parks, sometimes at club level, but mostly online. Some play hypermodern openings, hoping to catch you out in the centre; most play traps. Like Biblical fiends, the best way to encounter them is with patience. Never play at their speed and never accept a rematch. Sometimes they will catch you out with some trap that is so rare it's not even worth memorising theory -- and, on that day that someone beats you in a Bongcloud, go for a nice long walk outside and hope it was Magnus on an alt-account. The most pleasure to be had from playing the Fiend is if they're trying to hustle you in the park, and you manage to beat them in front of a crowd. You'll feel like Keanu Reeves in any Keanu Reeves movie. Otherwise, these guys will be the ones to make you suffer the most in chess -- they are a ring of fire before the next level...

Type 3: The Trainspotter

Rating: 1900-2200

Social make-up: Exclusively male, middle-aged and up

The Trainspotter mostly plays OTB chess. They like nothing more than a slow grind in a Stonewall. They've read entire books on everything from their pet systems to middlegames to endgame theory. The Candidate Master title was created for these guys. If you meet them, they are unlikely to make eye contact -- in fact, every chess-player cliche rings true of them. They can be nice but are often very bad losers. If you ever go to a chess event such as the London Chess Classic, almost all of the adults there will be of this ilk -- ditto chess clubs around the country. As my chess rating and hairline grow higher, I find myself increasingly at home in their company -- although since I'm really the pretentious Poet type, they tend to dismantle me in games. Assuming that my readers favour enterprising chess, the best experience you will have with these guys is beating one of them down the club in great style.

Type 4: The Actual Chess Player

Rating: 2200+

Social make-up: Mixed gender, all ages

Now we arrive at the top. These guys are so out of my welkin that I can only claim to have met a half-dozen in my entire life (not counting bumping into Ivanchuk outside a hotel in London. He was walking looking up the entire time). They tend to be completely normal people (with a few such as Ivanchuk aside) who just got really good at chess as kids while the Poet was pretending to enjoy Dostoyevsky, the Fiend was busy setting fire to small objects and the Trainspotter was collecting Boy's Own magazines. If you ever play them, enjoy the ease with which they crush you; otherwise, your main pleasure is going to be hearing them talk about chess or seeing their games -- more of which in a future post!

Here's me betraying a fellow Poet by treating the King's Gambit with Trainspotter-like ruthlessness.