10 Ways You Look Like A Chess Pro

May 24, 2011, 9:27 AM |

So you think you’re a cool chess dude, but is it obvious to everyone else that you’re a chess newbie? Here are 10 ways to lure them into giving you the pro tag! :)

1. "Yeah but that creates a backward pawn on an open file." This statement is a winner! Make sure you throw this out at least 4 times in a given night, regardless of the situation being discussed.

2. Change your last name to something that's impossible to spell and speak with any kind of an accent, make one up if you have to. I'm telling you, when you walk around and talk with an accent people automatically bump you a class rating.

3. If someone is showing an endgame puzzle or something, make up a famous game that it's from. Like several weeks back I was at an out of town tournament and I proudly announced the position they were studying was from Morphy versus Lasker in 1799. Everyone was so amazed by my brilliance they just starred at me in silence.

4. "I played Joel Benjamin in an online simul the other night, he was putting some pressure on me, so I traded into a bishops of opposite color endgame and forced a draw." Proudly announce this in chess club, but make sure you act like it's no big deal. Use your accent.

5. Walk by someone playing a game and just kind of snicker. When they look up at you say "oh, sorry, I just spotted a forced win. Look for it, it's there."

6. When confronted with a puzzle make sure to put on your best concentration face. Sink your eyebrows. A hand gesture of some sort over your mouth is mandatory. Then all at once say, "Wow! That's clever. I don't want to ruin it for everyone else so I'm not going to say anything." Walk away before someone gets a chance to call you out on it.

7. Convince people you are Garry Kasparov.

8. Reference a ficticious book you helped a Grandmaster author. Sound smarmy. "If you're having trouble converting endgames check out 'Endgame for total Morons' that I co-authored with Bobby Fischer in '97"

9. Make casual references to your 'students' and 'understudies'. For example, "Yeah a student of mine made a similar mistake in his game the other night that you just made, it cost him the Class B tournament prize."

10. This is by far the most important rule so pay attention. Never, ever, ever play a game over the board.

The Article of SonofPearl reminded me of this read. This is just a parody of it :) Here is the link to the full post. The snippet is a repost from part of it.