(credit to lgp)

You may have heard about chess.com's new engine, Torch. They say their goal is to make it the world's strongest chess engine, and a worthy competitor to Stockfish.

But this is all a LIE!

Torch, is not a chess engine at all, but rather, a quantum AI designed to disguise itself as other programs. Depending on what chess.com wants, Torch can disguise itself as a chess program, a weather app, a Steam game, or any number of different applications that you have no idea are ANYTHING but harmless and simple!

The truth is far darker; Danny Rensch, the mastermind behind this plot, plans to use Torch for the purpose of world domination. I know this because I am an aspiring chess engine developer. On December 15, 2022, I was walking down the street when a mysterious man dressed in all black motioned for me to enter an alleyway next to him. I did so, trying to make out his face, but it was as if it was cloaked in shadows.

I asked this man what was going on, and he said, "I know you are a programmer, and I have a proposition for you. You see, higher interests are interested in developing... a piece of code that can mimic any other executable, or a webpage, or anything that you might see on a computer. This is for the highest of scientific reasons, and we have a team of specialty developers already working on this project. Our financial backers have authorized me to offer you a signing bonus of 100,100 USD$, with a salary of 350,000 USD$ per year for the duration that the project remains in effect."

Sensing that there was evil in the air, and that his voice sounded like the Mouth of Sauron, I replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. Thanks for offering.", and prepared to get out of there.

Then I heard a click. Turned around, and he had taken off his hood, to reveal that he was none other than Erik himself. And he was pointing a gun.

"I'm sorry, but you know too much."

He tried to shoot me but I dodged and managed to escape. I moved halfway across the world, and lay silent, thinking that whoever was behind this would never be able to figure it out.

Until on the Chess.com Computer Chess Championship, a new engine, named "Mystery", popped up.

Mystery was very strong, but it displayed... odd blips in the interface and the values it outputted sometimes. This was because the mimicry has not been fully perfected yet. No one else believed me when I warned them about it! They all called me crazy! But I was getting suspicious, and broke into the chess.com warehouse in order to figure out what was happening.

What I saw shocked me. There was a massive piece of alien technology, that looked similar to a pulsating, mechanical liver. Next to it were a bunch of programmers sitting at computers. I recognized some of them; I recognized Andrew Grant, author of Ethereal. He had a dim look on his face, that suggested the life was being drained from him. As I watched in shock, he collapsed, and Danny Resnch rolled out with a wheelbarrow, remarked to himself, "gah, not another one", and loaded him up into it. But he also came out with a CLONE of him. A clone that would perfectly replace the original! and make it seem like nothing was amiss!

I knew at this point what Torch was. But no one would believe me. I went to the FBI and the CIA, and they laughed. THey said a chess company could never do such things in their wildest dreams. But I know the truth. I know that a UFO crashed near Reykjavik, Iceland, in 2003, and that Bobby Fischer observed it fall and tracked down its location. He told his friend, Erik, about it, and they smuggled it away, realizing its vast potential power. Fischer died a couple years later of illnesses caused by the radioactivity of the material, and Erik continued his struggle alone. At least, until he found a new partner.

What is chess.com's purpose for this alien software they call "Torch"? It's really quite simple. Their goal is to get into the government and institutional supercomputers and servers. They will do this by selling torch as a cloud service as opposed to an executable (where advanced software detectors might be able to see that something is wrong). When a server runs Torch, it will pretend to be a chess engine as cover, then copy itself and create a connection to every machine that the server has contact with, via the internet, or other means.

Once every machine in the world is controlled by Torch, plan DRAGONFURY will activate. I know the name of this plan because I saw it on secret documents from the chess.com warehouse. When DRAGONFURY activates, all technology will fall under the control of chess.com. They will command nuclear weapons to be launched, bypassing all security restrictions. Every person who owns a phone in the world, will have a choice: be enslaved and work under the mighty rule of Danny Rensch, or be killed by their phone blowing up in their pockets. All shall love and fear the name of Torch! Torch will light up the future, and end such dark and foggy notions such as democracy, freedom of speech, and even freedom of thought!

No one believes me. They all think I'm crazy. I got locked in an asylum. It was a cold asylum. They put me in a straight jacket. I died. They buried me. But that could not keep me down. For I am driven by the goal to save the world!

And this is why i am writing this POST - to save the very world! Torch is not a chess engine! It is a piece of alienware discovered by Bobby Fischer, and given to Erik, which has been worked on for 20 years to harness the vast quantum powers contained in it. Now, the plan has come to fruition. All who work on Torch have been subsumed by it and replaced with mindless clones in order to keep up the illusion that chess.com is working on a harmless chess program.

If we cannot stop Torch, toss all your electronic devices in the water. Try and find Ferris the crab - he brings healing. At least you then may not end up having your soul snuffed out.

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