A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Sweden. Swedish search and rescue workers have recovered 3000 bodies thus far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver has waited a while he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch to see who it is.There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the tread. Guess what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, " er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "no, it is because you're in a hardware store."After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course 10 degrees to the west.The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east! Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west."I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!"Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west.By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!"A moment later the Swedish battle ship crashed on a light house.Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said, "It's a question of intelligence." The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..Did you ever hear about the swede who went ice-fishing and returned home with 10lbs of ice?It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this 'iron grip', they could win.The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ". The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own balls that hard you can get out of any grip.""This letter is too heavy," the post-clerk stated, "You will have to put on an additional stamp." The swede looked wonderingly at him, "Will it be lighter then?" he asked.There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it."Daddy, I'm pregnant," the daughter said. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the swedish father responded.There was this swede who once got home and found his wife in bed with another man. He was so angry that he got a gun and pointed it to his own head. "NO! Don't do that," his wife begged. "Shut up woman! You'll be next," the angry swede replied. There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a guy got up and said that he could tell a swedish joke. Suddenly a woman in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm swedish." The guide looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards." Then there's the one about the swede who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his... A swedish student was in a bookstore. "This book will do half the job for you," the clerk said. "Good, I will have two, " the swede replied. "I wonder what time it is?" one swede asked another. "At least it's not 17.00," the other answered, "because at 17.00 I am supposed to be home, and I am not home now."A swede called the airline and asked how long it would take for a plane to get from Stockholm to Paris. "Just a moment," the clerk said. "Oh, thank you," the swede replied and hung up.