why am I so bad

because youre the opposite of good

Improving at chess is usually not easy. If you can afford few lessons, I would advise getting a coach. I can teach you how to think during the chess game. After that, your progress is inevitable.

If you can't afford any lessons, here is the excerpt from very good article on how to improve:

Play a lot, analyze your games, and primarily study tactics. Your knowledge of openings, endgame, middlegame, etc. will come from analyzing your games and going over grandmaster games. Only study one of those specific topics if it is clear you are specifically losing because of that topic.

Source: https://www.gautamnarula.com/how-to-get-good-at-chess-fast/

Here is the great YT series from my channel to learn from as well: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUrgfsyInqNa1S4i8DsGJwzx1Uhn2AqlT

Good luck either way!