Can anyone explain this opening?

Cannot seem to get past blacks defence, any ideas?

Yeah, it's called "Garbage In - Garbage Out"

1.f3 - Utter s**t

1...h6 - Utter s**t

Black had no choice but to play h6

Sure he did.  Even 1...Nh6 is better than 1...h6.

Try spraying water at his face.

Perhaps Black is playing for a draw. After 1... Nh6 the knight could move again. After the text Black will soon be stalemated. If the cat were White things might be different.

just for the record, Black's Queen and king are misplaced!

(Maybe that led to the CAT's defence.)

Well at least he has the double dark square corner on the right hand side of the board.  Without the correct orientation of  the  board things on this chessboard would really have been confounding.