Why did you not mention crab? It weakens kingside AND queenside pawn fortress and doesn't attack the center nor does it provide any advantage because if you bring your rooks out they can be picked off by light and dark square bishops which can also screw your chances of winning because rooks are the one of the strongest pieces
Opening Moves - Best to Worst

#1, e4 and d4
#3, Nf3 and c4
#5, b3 and f4
#7, e3 and Nc3
#9, c3 and g3
#11, h3 and a3
13, Na3 and g4
#15, h4 and a4
#17, f3 and d3
#19, Nh3 and b4
My thought is that h4 can't possibly be the worst (though it is very bad); it prevents any of those black players who play Qh4 on their move (possibly due to a Vienna transposition that leaves those Black players playing Qh4, as the knight isn't protecting h4). But then again, this "trick" only works against a choice few amount of players, so I'd put it at second or third-worst. My worst first move is f3.

Hey good thread man!!
G3 is better than b3 of course... Kingside fianchetto more logical and flexible.
C3 is too low also... C3 and d4 quite logical

Chess Openings Tier Lists by GM Hikaru Nakamura and IM Levy Rozman (aka 'GothamChess')...
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=chess+openings+tier+list

people are smoking some good ganja for putting b4 so low.
it just equalizes, like pretty much everything after the top 4, but below the bad openings. T

#1, e4 and d4
#3, Nf3 and c4
#5, b3 and f4
#7, e3 and Nc3
#9, c3 and g3
#11, h3 and a3
13, Na3 and g4
#15, h4 and a4
#17, f3 and d3
#19, Nh3 and b4
I disagree
it should be
1. Nf3 and Nc3
2. a4 and g4
3. h4 and b4
4. c4 and a3
5. d4 and e4
6. e3 and c3
7. d3 and b3
8. g3 and h3
9. f3 and Nh3
10. Na3 and f4
All other opening moves are trash!

Usage popularity should be a reasonable criteria to evaluate how useful a move actually is.
Here are my rankings:
1. e4
2. d4
3. Nf3
4. b4
5. g3
6. b3
7. c4
8. Nc3
9. g4
10. e3
11. d3
12. c3
13. f4
14. h4
15. a4
16. Na3
17. Nh3
18. h3
19. a3
20. f3
barnes opening is the worst
Unless you are playing king of the hill. It is the 4th best king of the hill opening.
My thought is that h4 can't possibly be the worst (though it is very bad); it prevents any of those black players who play Qh4 on their move (possibly due to a Vienna transposition that leaves those Black players playing Qh4, as the knight isn't protecting h4). But then again, this "trick" only works against a choice few amount of players, so I'd put it at second or third-worst. My worst first move is f3.
I use the h pawn as bait for the queen all the time and a lot of the time it works. Sometimes I don't even move the f pawn. One time the user JoseNilkando gambited his queen for the h5 pawn on the second move. He regularly plays the wayward queen attack. He then played another opponent who used the same move and didn't take the pawn. Maybe he remembered what I did to him because he also blundered a bunch of other pieces against me.

4th best koth opening?
imo and from my experience, going straight for the center in koth is.. not good
the opp. will control the center in that time and then once its time, pull your king back and win by their own central king!

they are really 3- tiers
Tier 1 : 1.e4 1.d4 1.c4 1.nf3. All rich in variations and universally agreed to keep opening advantage
tier 2: 1.g3 1.b3 1.nc3,1.f4 1.b4. All have original play and relatively rich in variations but at best have minimal opening advantage. with best play from black.
tier 2.5: 1.e3 1.d3 1.c3 1.a3.(with 1.h3 being borderline here). All are virtually equal and are not much worse than the above but they are almost completely played as transpositional tools so almost never seen.
tier 3: the rest: most of the others fail to equalize and have no independent significance. Among them 1.na3 is one of the lesser evils here with some quirky minor lines. 1.a4 is also another lesser evil as it doesnt damage kingside castle but has no independent significance. Interestingly, 1.g4 which has enough unique lines to be comparable to a tier 2 is objectively competing for worst spot.

thats 4 tiers...
and btw why is a3 better than h3
oh riight h3 damages 0-0
but it prevents Bg4 though? which might be equally if not more dangerous than Bb4

1.d4 (slightly better according to the computer)
2.e4( more agressive games)
3.Nf3 (flexable)
4.c4 (kinda slow and positional)
5, Nc3 (a bit flexable)
6.b3
7.f4
8.g3
yes?

"flexable"
means that its a thing you can flex about
flexible is what you want here
and imo g3 is higher coz of transpositions, but it isnt that flexible (you commit to fianchetto structures)
and 9th should be b4 there

thats 4 tiers...
and btw why is a3 better than h3
oh riight h3 damages 0-0
but it prevents Bg4 though? which might be equally if not more dangerous than Bb4
the third "tier" can just easily belong to tier two. i separate them because they have limited independent value when you consider the first 9 moves of the tiers above
"7. Bird's Opening (f4)...Cons:...does nothing to develop back-row."
As a Bird player may I point out the absurdity of this "con". 1.f4 opens up f3 for the King's knight (2.Nf3 is almost always White's second move). Then you almost always play 3.e3 or 3.g3 to make room for the King's bishop on the second row. Then you castle. How is that "doing nothing to develop the back-row"? I'm not saying the Bird does not have its share of cons, but this is not one of them.