Recommend me a lazy black opening

If that's the case, I guess hippo it is then.

I think the Modern Benoni should fit you, just play g7-Bg7-Nf6-c5-d6-e6-exd5- b5 and win the e4 pawn.

French Rubinstein.

Little theory, rock solid, easy to understand.

French Oh no Im mated variation? 

Whats up with your recommendations Pfren?

Never play the French unless you like to get mated on h7. Specially the Rubinstein.

Maybe my opinion is biased because everyone on this page seems to like 4...Nf6??

wtf is a lazy opening theory

Play modern defence

Just get rid of the elo ladder climbing part of your plan and you're perfectly set for super lazy chess.

No theory required at all.

Petrov's defense is a solid and passive opening except only one variation that is when white plays Nc3 after black does Nxe4 but you only will need to study a little of that and the other variations are solid and continues up to the endgame where you get a good position and then bring your king and other pieces into the attacks and destroy white.Draws are also popular but it has little theory behind it,so easy.I also play it and get really good results.Mostly wins

Try the Petrov's defense out.Learn the moves and the continuations for you (which is easy to remember)and try it with other players

For d4,maybe the Slav defense.The Kings Indian maybe bad for you because it needs lots of studying and theory and continuations.The Slav is simple.You can pick any of the Slav variations you like and play the a.Less theory

What about 1.Nh3???  The Amar Opening or Paris Opening or Ammonia Opening or Drunken Knight Opening.

There is no "one size fits all" - Even when it comes to the London System for White.  Even the London Guru himself, IM Cyrus Lakdawala, acknowledges that there is one defense for Black where the London System is, just to put it bluntly, outright bad for White!

The same can be said for the Modern Defense (1...g6).

White's position is actually WORSE (that's right, NOT EVEN EQUAL) after 1.d4 g6 2.Nf3 Bg7 3.Bf4? d6 4.e3 Nc6 (or 4...Nd7, both are strong - personal preference being the real decider) 5.h3 e5! Advantage Black!

As for the Modern Defense, it's not recommended against Larsen's Opening or the Sokolsky (1.b3 and 1.b4, respectively!)

And if your reaction is "Oh, nobody plays that junk", below is my repertoire - player do actually exist out there that play it:

White:  1.d4, 1.e4, 1.Nf3, 1.b4

Black vs 1.d4:  1...d5, 1...Nf6, 1...f5, 1...g6

Black vs 1.e4:  1...e6, 1...c6, 1...e5, 1...c5, 1...d5, 1...g6

If I know my opponent, I play what leads to the biggest discomfort for him.  If I don't, I play what I'm in the mood to play!

What "seems" to be the case isn't always the case!

When it comes to the French Rubinstein and for that matter that Caro-Kann, I hate 4...Nf6.  Caro-Kann I play 4...Nd7, French I normally don't play the Rubinstein, but the few times I have, it was either 4...Bd7 (Fort Knox) or 4...Nd7 (Main Line Rubinstein) to follow.

And no, Black does not get mated on h7!  If you always get mated on h7 when you play the Rubinstein, it's time for you to find a new opening - doesn't mean everyone else will get mated on h7 just because you are incapable of stopping it!

Nice circus, clown, hehe. Countless of forums have refuted your opinion that the Modern refutes the London and you ignore THEM!

I dont play the Rubinstein baby, I MATE IT!

Clearly you can't read English.  Nowhere did I say that the Modern "REFUTES" the London System.  Executing the London System against the Modern Defense, with best play from both sides, leads to AN ADVANTAGE FOR BLACK, NOT CHECKMATE FOR BLACK OR A WINNING POSITION FOR BLACK!

Now, for your English lesson:

Advantage - superiority of position or condition

Winning - successful, especially in competition

Do I need to define superiority at this point?  Superiority does not equal success!  If you compare the Cleveland Cavaliers to any other Eastern Conference team in the NBA, Cleveland is the superior team.  Does that mean that Cleveland will win all 52 games they play this year against the Eastern Conference?  Given that they have already lost to the Eastern Conference, that's a resounding NO!

Refutation implies one has figured it out to a force win of the King.  Superiority, or Advantage, does not mean automatic victory like Refutation does.

Playing the London against the Modern Defense is like playing the Latvian Gambit against 1.e4 and 2.Nf3.  Any GM will tell you that White has the Superior position with the exception of one GM/IM that once claimed years ago that the Latvian was refuted.  Other than that clown, any GM will tell you that the Latvian is inferior, that it's advantage White, but nobody other than the one GM/IM that I can't seem to recall (was it Silman with 3.Nc3?) will utter "The Latvian Gambit is Refuted".

My stance on the London against the Modern is the same as any normal GM's stance about the Latvian against 1.e4.  So don't put words in my mouth.  I never said it "refuted" the London System.

...1.g5, Bg7, c5, Qb6, pressure on d4 and b2 . . . take it from me . . . LAZY.

Should I give you a class on how to stop being a clown? There is no advantage for Black, just equality. Jengaias already dedicated a forum to that and you ran like a CLOWN.