community defender

i have a boilerplate response for all of the ads, err, job openings i get from cc. not sure why i haven't received any response, but, here it is:

 

erik, thank you for including me in this mass email! it makes me feel so special that i am one of the few million that you reached out to!

i feel i could fulfill many roles in your organization due to my "don't give a shit" attitude. (p.s. i know that's what you're looking for).

my qualifications: i am an awesome developer of bullshit. if anything malfunctions, i quickly blame a poor internet connection or the resources of the network provider. problems solved!

quality assurance is an area where i would be great. multiple complaints would lead to a ban. no more complaints!

i am also fluent in many of the languages where cc needs help. i deal with tens of people around the globe and our language barriers crumble when we communicate with emojis.

as a member for almost ten years, i have seen the changes and the growth of the site. i can enhance it by being as vague as possible with all issues, and shifting blame for any real issues to other sources.

 

i hope you find this bullshit as convincing as i am able to make it at this time, and, i look forward to an extensive telephone interview where i am on the site while on my seventh heineken. 

sincerely,

al czervik

b.s. in b.s.

chess.com wants the bunny as staff, They can't resist the power of Godbunny

I don't think that will work. Too much brown nosing. Erik can tell you're just listing the best qualities of his current employees, and then attributing them to yourself. You'll have to actually back this up with paperwork and references.

my references were wafflemaster, orangehonda, farmhand, and president max. 

Hell, with references like that, I'd hire ya!

haha!

   Hey bunny......is this a relative of your's.?                                          https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/i-like-bunnies

Everyone's pretending to be bunnies here.   The fake bunny accounts with stock photos have to stop.  Mine is a motion gif, so that doesn't count. 

MySQL Performance Engineer
If you want us to SELECT you to help us ALTER our database WHERE billions of records are stored, DROP us a line here and SHOW us what you got

Man, that was way too corny a performance even for a dbase dev. Whoever wrote this is beyond the SAVEPOINT, should have their rights REVOKEd and be COMMITted to a corn field watched over by children. 

OK that cover letter probably did not go over too well.   Onward to other positions.

Graphic Designer (Media, Icons, UI)

The bunny is definitely artistic, while some would even say graphic. This is a minimalist sample. 

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/off-topic/a-more-lively-default-avatar

The bunny also has plenty of gifs and memes at his disposal as the community will testify. 

Writer for Chess Content (Part-time)
Can you pontificate in voluminous prose? Well that’s not what we are looking for  We are looking for a writer who can write stuff that people want to read online. Clear. Concise. Informational. Interesting. 

While the bunny is known for his brevity, he can be verbose when he is totally not required to be.   Call that a pleasant surprise factor. However that's exactly what you need, as you ask for concise but voluminous prosaic pontification. The bunny submits this piece of multilingual literature as evidence. 

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/off-topic/bladder-report

Project Manager
Love chess? Love software? Love gently asking developers about their progress?! Chess.com has dozens of projects going and could use some help organizing and managing.

Now we're getting to the bottom of things.   This is precisely why this site is in a technical mess!  Since when are project managers supposed to love subject matter or gently ask? They are there to care about resources including the schedule.  Perfectionists who love their creations will never finish, if at all on time.   Have you ever really talked to a dev?  You don't even have a clue do you?  It's so obvious that you desperately need the bunny's immense talent and experience at being a total unadulterated a*hole here. The bunny submits the following as evidence. 

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/off-topic/yumyum-doesn-t-get-it

Sooooo,  is the bunny hired? 

Phew,  that was a lot of hard work.  The bunny is confident he'll have so many offers to choose from, or more likely given his history here so far,  be banned.  And now we wait. 

Yeah,  forget kotl, they should have kotp, kitteh on the prowl! 

No-one handles offenders like gunny. 

Sometimes it's not the tool,  but the workman who's the tool, in which case even a supercomputer won't help. 

And that's why they need ruthless project managers. 

Autobunny... a community defender spouting left wing conspiracy theories. What a stupid loser

Do you want to feel the wrath of God bunny?

The bunny greatly appreciates the comments of a month old account that hasn't played a single game here.  Must be a "friend" of @botvinnik4ever or @hartofgoldrubinstein

Bunny, I was merely pointing out that you're an autistic weird person with a low level of intelligence, that's all. Good try with the fake sarcasm as you cry yourself to sleep for not even being good at chess despite all of the years you put in. must make you feel like the pathetic loser you are in all other areas of life (small peewee, low income, etc). Fascinating stuff. What had to go wrong in your life and what abuse did you receive to end up like this? Kind advice: end your life and watch the world's IQ rise. We don't need your toxic hate here. I guess you must have a lot of enemies if random players in Holland and Russia also view you as utter trash beneath contempt. Can we get your real name AutisticSmallWeeWee bunny?

says a random french guy who came out of nowhere, also if you think the bunny's comedy is poor try yourself

Ha! So it's the same person with the same words.  The peewee/weewee part really hit a new scholastic level.  How many anonymous accounts from different countries do you need to support your opinion? I suspect you don't even know what autistic means unless you're just throwing it around like a discriminatory insult. Toxic hate would be the name calling and asking another to end their life.  Hope that helps.