Correspondence ‘freestyle’ chess battle

You didn't really confront me you just mumbled something about sheep,

Quite honestly I could come up with better insults in my sleep,

If this is how you will engage me - in the end you will weep,

To win any contest you need to look deep.

Its seems you are on the defensive early in the fight,

You failed to utilise the advantage of white,

Now I have the initiative the end looks in sight,

You will need to do better I you want this match to be tight.

I found a picture that looks just like you -

Canadian goose

The only difference is that you belong in a zoo,

It even talks and sounds like you do.

It says " honk! your game is getting loose,

Honk! New Zealand sheep, honk! bishop pair,

Honk, Honk! I'm a goose!"

I'm all for playing under these conditions. My only request is for standard 2 hour tounament time controls, and that I get to do all the kicking.

You don’t stick to the argument that you state.

Allow me to take this chance to reiterate.

You say that this forum is about “chess, and “lyrical abilities”.

If so, than why are you accusing me of spreading STDs? 

I don’t see how such insults have any bearing on your point.

What did you do before composing? Did you smoke a joint?

Consistency and cohesion are the mark of a good rhyme.

Perhaps you simply didn’t take the necessary time? 

Granted, I do make a turtleneck look scandalous.

And, if given the opportunity, you couldn’t handle this.

And by “this”, I obviously mean “me”.

Btw, you’d suck in a dyad, let alone a 3.

My marginal friend, perhaps we should join forces,

I’ll write the verses, and you can botch the chorus,

The two of us together embracing in lyrical intercourse,

And you need me on your side as your brains more porous.

 I’d ride you like a rented horse – if

You’d hurry up and get that divorce – spliffs

I smoked too many, now I’m horse – rifts

Added into my song and I’d outsell the ford Taurus. 

I have 64 squares to work with, but I only need four

Protect your f2 square, or you’ll be walking sore

You can knock over your own king, you’ve lost all hope

When he falls in the line of my famed bishop’s scope. 

Now Quixotical, where am I to start?

I’d call your rhyming abstract, but less of an art

I’m proud of Canadian geese, but the moose is more symbolic,

If you make any more animal noises, I’ll assume you’re an alcoholic

I stayed up all night

watching this couple fight

with verses as weapons of choice.

The parry and thrust

between them is just

what is norm between all girls and boys.

Your “chess-talk” leaves me speechless.

It’s getting hard for me to generate a thesis.

“Joining forces” with you, sounds marginally appealing.

But, it would really depend on how I am feeling.

This constant rhyming is making me forget.

I’m neglecting stuff that I truly regret.

I’m in an uncomfortable state of toxic shock…

because it is always me that you mock.

Truth be told, I don’t play chess.

I can’t move a ‘pawn’; I confess.

WB…are you ready to play with me?

Your board might get a little messy…

In which case, you simply wipe it clean.

I see no reason for you to be mean.

If you are as ‘manly’ as you sound,

Marginally Clever, I find your toxicity shocking!

You must get that cleared up before my bed starts rocking.

Had you pushed that ‘pon out in due time,

Then it wouldn’t be necessary for this little rhyme. 

If my board will get messy, I’ll cover it in plastic sheets,

Kindly borrowed from the bed in which Quixotical sleeps.

A chess dot com booty call, yet another reason to thank Erik,

For providing a site to play chess and to turn the occasional trick. 

But once again, I must discuss chess to keep this thread on track;

Your light squared weakness provides me with a method of attack.

A flank attack puts pressure on the center in as much as it causes distraction,

And clear the back rank to allow your rooks a meaningful interaction.

 But play as you do and practice as you might,

My discovered attack still turns your skin white.

My knight forks reveal your passive defense,

I’m not cheating, but using a refined sixth sense. 

You would have a mate, but I use a rook for interference,

Which causes a dramatic change in your OTB appearance.

Sweat beads down your forehead, and distorts your vision,

Further encouraging me to play with supernatural precision.

ok....well.....its official.....this thread is the nerdiest thing i've ever seen in my life.

Your nuts kicking comment sounded angry indeed,

Maybe you should relax and smoke some of your weed,

Satisfy your munchies with a greasy feed,

Then a week at a resort is perhaps what you need,

You could ride your moose there - your noble steed.

My writing is abstract? Haven't you heard of imagery?

Metaphors, similes? I'll instruct you for free,

Come to my house, I'll cook you a nice tea,

Teach you writing and chess and then you will see,

That you will never in your life hold a candle to me.

You're behind in material as we approach the endgame,

Your poetry has essentially stayed just the same;

Bashing clevergirl with sex jokes, its getting rather lame,

As a porn movie director, you may one day have fame,

But in a chess forums battle, you don't stand to gain.

Don't get me wrong; I don't claim my poo doesn't stink,

But to the depths of your depravity is a level that I wont sink,

Accusing of carrying VD's is disgusting I think,

I wanna put you in her shoes, yuck - imagine you in pink,

Now if you'll excuse me, after that thought I really need a drink.

You want to think of me in pink and pour yourself a drink

And teach me how to cook and play chess?

I’m a little concerned of what you might slip in my drink,

I wish we could all be as cool as you.

But, when we drink, we limit it to a few.

Getting falldowndrunk, is the coolest from what I heard.

Maybe if I had a drinking problem too, I wouldn’t be a nerd.

It’s after the bar, but it’s the right time to post

Last time I went to far, but haven’t yet given up the ghost

No one raps about chess, so why should I

Y’all failed the test, but hey, nice try 

Marginally Clever,

I’d work you like a lever

Your legs would get severed

So you best get them tethered 

I love to play chess when I drink, but my moves stink

Don’t take the time to think, Cheeks turning pink

Wake up in the PM and see my games in ruin,

Didn’t see that you’d take with check; I moved too soon 

But that’s ok because it keeps my rating down,

Now I’ll beat a stronger player – leave him with a frown

Whether you resign, fall a piece behind, or run out of time

Take it as a sign; your ass is mine, You can’t walk my line. 

Now one last verse about this game played on a board

I’d like to charge for my lessons, but its more then you can afford.

I’ll beat you with the polish, I’ll beat you with the bird

This last line would rhyme if I found the right word.

This is pretty nerdy, but I like it. If you don't have a little nerd in you, I honestly don't think you belong at chess.com. The game of Kings...and nerds.

I don't think we should start accusing people of being alcoholics though, should we?

Of course not. What basis would there be for suggesting that someone might have a drinking problem when they select falldowndrunk for a screen name on a chess site? And even if he were an alcoholic, congrats to falldowndrunk for being a proud of the fact that he is an alcoholic, for if there is anything to be proud of in this life, it is the fact that one uses alcohol to deny reality.

Anyhow, this is a joke thread. Don't take anything in it seriously. But I am glad that you and I aswell can embrace our inner chess nerd.

Nerd eh ? Well I'm First in my class here at MIT
Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D
M.C. Escher, that's my favorite M.C.
Keep you're 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Stephen Hawking's in my library

My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin' for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a wiz at Minesweeper, I could play for days
Once you've see my sweet moves, you're gonna stay amazed
My fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze

There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well I'm number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat, but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

I wasn't feeling very inspirational today , so I just borrowed some from Weird Al

Everybody's jumped on the forum, but try not to bore 'em

with words that end in i-o-n, and double x statements that make heads spin

your rhymes are like pawns, they all look alike

they don't move very far, but sometimes they can strike

your lyrics are mean, the most cruel i've seen

but i bet you're a sweety, and you dress like your Queen

your chess board is plastic, your pawn structure is spastic,

your bishop is flacid, and your king's droppin' acid,

your horses are swayback, i'm sorry, those are knights,

but those nags are sad, they ain't never seen a fight,

did i mention your rooks, even my pawns give 'em looks,

my tactics are magic, i'm the topic of books!

i know all the players, kasparov, fischer and tal,

and you know they know me, cause this player beat 'em all,

i may have a low rating, as my user profile shows,

but, kid, don't you doubt, i'm a card-carrying pro,

this freestyle was fun, but for this posting I'm done,

my agression's on the board, it's more legal than a gun. 

It is the ancient >2700 rating player,
And he stoppeth one of three.
If he stoppeth one of the other two,
he needn't stoppeth me.... -excerpt from

"The pawn that's about to queen when it's being chased by a king..."

I must be up late cuz there's not many around

I must be the winner cuz my rhymes they confound

You know i just brought it, my rhythms are thick,

Western burn gave me props, said my rhymes were sick!

But maybe he's afraid, maybe he's shakin' right now,

Like the lyrics from earlier, maybe i'll take a bow,

Western burn, he's my boy, i know he's got my back,

If we teamed up on this thread, no one could stand the attack,

For a white boy i spit 'em, and tag 'em and throw,

I rap better than the best, make the competition look slow,

All humor aside, you people need to write,

And applaud Western burn, for bein' so tight,

Just as long as he knows, and knows for real sure,

That Bearden is king cuz his rhymin's so pure.

peace out 

That is not dead which can eternal lie
And with strange aeons even death may die...

'Arnaut am I, that weeps and goes in song.
Sadly I see my past life's foolishness
And joyfully the day for which I long,
But now I beg you by that Mightiness
That leads you to ascend the stairway higher,
Be mindful, in due time, of my distress.'
Then he plunged back in the refining fire.

Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of mankind is man.

Armies clash

Swords slash

And all that was left

was a beheaded king

A noble fight, and a hard one too

And let the blackbirds sing..

-excerpt from " Trimuph against Quixotical"