With snail secretions on it? No thanks.
Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

Maybe the snail would go on a seperate chessboard and everybody pretends that it is on the pizza. Wherever it goes, the pieces dissapear.

new peice: the Ballofwhacks. If it is placed, it will bestroy everything excepth the king and can only be placed once a player loses his queen.

The Mauve_Penguin: if it is placed, it spawns one yellow rook every move on a random square, determined by the dice. Each yellow rook moves a random number of squares determined by the dice in a random direction determined by the dice. They take any pieces in their path. The Mauve_Penguin can be placed anywhere by any player at any time in any country in any condidtion for any reason. It can be captured by any piece, but there is no limit to how many times it can be placed.
:3

The basketball. Once per game, each player may throw a basketball on the board, but that must be done from at least 5 meters distance, the pieces knocked out in the process must be removed from the game. Knocking out a king makes their owner lose the game. If both kings are removed, it's a draw.

The airstriker. Each player gets one airstrike. it is shaped like a pawn. When it is your turn, you may throw it at the opponent's pieces, taking each one you knock over. However, if you knock over the king, the airstrike is invalid and you wasted it. if you hit your own pieces, they get taken as well, and if you hit your own king, you lose. You cannot use an airstrike in the first 15 moves or if you have 3 or less points of material left. If you are a member of the US military, you get two.
The pizza. It replaces the chessboard. Ketchup must be used to draw the squares. The black squares are the ones painted with ketchup. Must be played together with the snail variant. Each player must eat half of the pizza after the game is over.