Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

A pawn which can’t take pieces and can’t move , only once in 5 moves and not any other

The emo. When confronted by another piece it starts to self-harm. 

The wizard. It appears on a random square and says, "Acia!" and any piece next to it disappears.

The sacrifice god; each turn you must sacrifice a piece to it or it will kill your king.

The briber. Moves in all directions but cannot capture pieces but instead converts them into your pieces but you have to take a piece out of higher value(unless it's a queen)in order for it to work.

The alarm clock. When you are just about to mate Magnus Carlsen it makes this noise indicating you need to wake up and go to work.

Cool hahahahahahaha

The time bomb. A nuclear warhead shaped piece that has a little timer attached to it set to 10 minutes. Its located at the left edge of the board. It doesn't move and it can't be captured by any of the two sides. Once the game starts, the timer attached to the piece starts counting down to zero. Every blunder or mistake a player makes, the piece's timer is decreased by 5 seconds. Every check a player makes adds 5 seconds into the timer. It destroys the entire chess board and kills its players instantly when the timer goes to zero. The timer stops when the game is draw or a checkmate is made.

The Neymar, it moves like a king and starts directly in front of the king's pawn, if any opposing piece comes within one square of it, Neymar flops over and the offending piece is removed from the board, and the fouled team gets a "free kick" (that is, they get to make two moves in a row).

The Dera captures its own pieces and check mates it self

The Cursing King. It replaces your king. It judges and curse your every move and refuses to move even when it is mate.

Then you abort the game

The pawn. It is a straightforward one:

 

You move it one square at a time always forward, except when it sits on the second row, in that case you are allowed to move two swares in an only move. It does not captures in the same way it moves, it captures diagonally (only pieces at one square distance)

And wait, I've come up with yet another absurd rule, if it's on the fifth row and a pawn from an adjacent column moves two squares, it can capture as if the move was only a one square push.

 

Wait, this piece is a mess, it would never be used on a chess game with such complicated rules

The piece immunodeficiency virus(PIV) is hidden until one player makes a blunder. Then it shows up and takes away every piece that the blundering player has. Then it disappears. It cannot be captured.

Oof. The sarcasm is real in this one.