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Muted: What It's Like

Barney-Boondoggle

"That Barney, always making up tall tales..."  Ha!  You'll see, you'll all see!!!  

And when I have the Pulitzer and the Oscar, and everything, you will all be dining on crow crumpets!

Barney-Boondoggle

I think it was day 9, not sure, when one of the "Mutaurs" (that's what they call the guards, who are a sadistic, Stamford Prison Experiment lot) decided it would be fun to hypnotize us through the computer, and convince us we could fly.  Many of us met a tragic end, launching themselves from windows, plummeting to a grisly demise.

Through sheer luck, I tried to take off from the ground ...  only sprained an ankle, thank goodness. 

Barney-Boondoggle

One of the hardest parts is I had to give up my "Flair" even though I have Diamond Membership, as a condition of Unmuting.  The negotiations were grueling.

They said "Flair" takes up a lot of juicy, expensive bandwidth, and that I should bear some of the financial costs of maintaining such a long mute, they said.

I'm learning to live without "Flair", but it's not easy. 

I miss my "Flair", all the pretty choices, all the individuality and agency "Flair" conveys.

The instant respect you get, "Oh, he's Diamond, better be nice", or, "Oooooh, nice 'Flair'!", "Uh oh, a Diamond Member, and that is some fierce 'Flair', guess I'll just resign." that kind of thing.

Yeah, It's a bit of a bummer, but I'll muddle through.

Barney-Boondoggle

BTW, Did you know it's now considered cheating to "Pop Your Flair" on chess.com?

It's a technique invented by yours truly, where you start the game without "Flair", but then in the middle of the game it's like, BOOM!!!  FLAIR, yo!

The opponent is like, "woaaa, where did THAT come from?", all disconcerted.

I''m like "yeah, I'm Diamond yo, now check out my Flaming Pawn FFFFFFFLAIRR!!!"

That's when you cycle through a bunch of "Flairs".  "Hey Check out my Blue Bishop, ooooh look, a Rainbow and a Unicorn", messing with thier heads in the chat.

They often blunder right after that, or just outright resign.

Anyway it's considered a  "Flair Play Violation" now and is another reason they deny me my "Flair".

This is a P.S.A. from Boondoggle Broadcasting: 

Don't. Pop. Your. Flair.

Just don't do it.

 

AunTheKnight
Barney-Boondoggle wrote:
SirMigraine wrote:
 

alright so i was once muted for 24 hrs this is either just false or trolling.  pretty sure trolling.  you just can't do anything

It's not uncommon that the Experience is so traumatic that you simply forget what actually happened.

My mailbox is brimming with fan letters saying stuff like "But Barney, I'm terrified of lizards, I didn't get no laughing lizard, no nothing –– what gives?"

By design, the Mute Experience is custom made for each individual to induce memory loss, aversion to recollection, etc. 

The recall is spotty for me, but due to an anomaly, and exceptional mental fortitude, I am here to tell my story.

And Aun, this, and my other articles, are no joke.  Think about it.  Who would actually take time to make up this kind of stuff?  Besides, the glamour, the globe trotting, the intrigue and adventure (not to mention the haut couture) in a career as a Chess Reporter is hard to top!

Ah, yes. They are indeed very real.

AunTheKnight

Lol

Barney-Boondoggle

Ah, yes. They are indeed very real.

Translation: "Sure, Barney, it's all real, whatever you say.  Doctor, just make sure you don't let him out of the padded room."

 

AunTheKnight
Barney-Boondoggle wrote:

Ah, yes. They are indeed very real.

Translation: "Sure, Barney, it's all real, whatever you say.  Doctor, just make sure you don't let him out of the padded room."

 

Bad translation!

Barney-Boondoggle

It was day 10 or thereabouts that the Mutaurs outlined the specific goals of my Reeducation Procedure:

  • Disabuse Subject Boondoggle [BB] of any notion that he is some kind of "Chess Reporter" somehow affiliated with the site.
  • If not successful, at least get Subject [BB] to adopt a less sensationalistic, splashy style.  A more "muted" tone, if you will.  Subject [BB] must be made to understand that the tabloid like nature of his writing is not suitable for the decorum expected on a serious chess site.  Failure to comply will automatically result in all of Subject's [BB's] content, extant and future, to be relegated to the "Fun with chess" section of the Forum.
  • Ensure Subject [BB] acknowledges, and signs the "Povich Clause" before Unmuting, stipulating that "Erik is NOT the father ... of En Passant".
  • And anything else we can think of.                                                                                                                            

The Mutaurs laughed sardonically.

AunTheKnight

Lol

Barney-Boondoggle

The headline of this thread was going to be:

MUTED!!! : 20 DAYS ADRIFT IN A SEA OF SILENCE!!!

But, as you can see, I've learned my lesson.

Maybe someday they'll let me have my "Flair" back.

Barney-Boondoggle

Hmmm... that's pretty cool, I just noticed above where it says "Following", "New Comments" etc. it tags me as a "Forum Legend".  Pretty neat, huh?  Kinda epic actually.

Wow, just like that, me, a Forum Legend on chess.com.  It just goes to show what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.

AunTheKnight

Lol

Barney-Boondoggle

Been getting a lot of mail lately about this, so just to clarify: a "Mutaur" is NOT the same as the "Motaur", the half man/half motorcycle in the Progressive™ insurance commercials, and any claims of copyright or trademark infringement is baseless and frivolous.

Martin_Stahl
Barney-Boondoggle wrote:

...

 

Maybe someday they'll let me have my "Flair" back.

 

You can just change it yourself.

Barney-Boondoggle
Martin_Stahl wrote:
Barney-Boondoggle wrote:

...

 

Maybe someday they'll let me have my "Flair" back.

 

You can just change it yourself.

Gulp... thank you Great Oracle Stahl!!!

He hath spoketh, and there was Great "Flair" upon the land!!!

Behold!!! And "Flair" erupteth in Myriad Forms, and Colours Never Yet Seen!

And those, the unworthy, the sinners, the inadequate, may once again drink from the Fountain of "Flair"!!! (as long as they have a premium membership).

Thank you for your mercy, Oh Great Oracle Stahl!