Chess Limericks

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A man upon hearing a dare,

Opened his game with The Ware,

He paid a big cost,

For his a3 rook was lost,

To a bishop that was eyeing that square.

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To bring your rook fast to the fray,

Is considered extremely bad play.

But if your rook wants to be,

Fast lost at h3,

The opening you want is Desprez.

()

Two Nazis played chess on a bench,

At the bottom of a battlefield trench.

The bullets kept zinging,

And their ears kept on ringing,

As they worked out the moves of the French.

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The Zukertort starts with a horse,

Jumping to f3, of course.

But don't be too shocked,

To learn that one pawn gets blocked:

That f-pawn feels mild remorse.

()

If an American lost fast as Black,

To a Japanese who cut him no slack,

Would the Asian make haste,

To name, in bad taste,

The opening "The Pearl Harbor Attack"?

()

I love the name Yevteshenko,

And of course the name Kasyanenko,

But Soviet nouns,

Have Hungarian sounds,

So make my opening Benko.

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My father he ruled by the lash,

His temperament definitely brash,

"Take a good gander, son,

At that move called the Anderssen,

And promise you won't play that trash."

()

The drug dealer offered me huijs,

The brothel took payment in cuijs,

But I knew this was Holland,

When the chessplayer Rolland,

Opened with the Van't Kruijs.

()

The patzer was just a bit dense,

Of tempi he lacked all good sense,

So when fearing a pin,

He would give up a win,

By playing the stupid Clemenz.

There once was a bug on a square
Who paralysed me with his stare
Imagine the shock
When I thought of my clock
And I checked and my flag wasn't there

I visited Washington Square,

and played a park hustler there.

The bet was for twenty,

I pummeled him plenty,

Then found that his wallet was bare.

 Very good

A knight found a hole on c2
Preparing a crushing breakthrough
But then on h8
His king was in mate
From there there was nought he could do

Here's one a friend wrote after a blitz session:

The Yorkshire Champion, our Tag

Tried blitzing whilst smoking a fag

When the going got tough

He took a big puff

And said, "That's a bit of a drag"

I once played a guy name of Trump 

who told me my knight couldn't jump 

he called me a fool 

till I showed him the rule 

it was he and not I that's a chump 

There once was a player called Trump

Who tried his opponent to hump

She picked up a knight

And with all her might

Shoved the piece right up his rump

I once had a crucial decision

in a king and pawn endgame position.

His pawn was in take,

I thought, "What a mistake!"

But his king, it then took opposition.