Crazed Grandmaster Wreaks Havoc at Local Tournament

    The Chicken Ridge Open, held annually in East Chicken Ridge, KY, is usually a rather uneventful affair. With a first prize of only $15, and a second prize a set of used steak knives, few titled players, if any, ever participate. In fact, the last guy with a title to show up was Sir Mix-a-Lot in 1989. And his title, "Sir", is considered largely symbolic.

   However, this year grandmaster and part-time short order cook Mikhail Ploppachenko did show up. Ploppachenko, known to his comrades as "Slippery Mik", is well known for his bizarre antics both on and off the board. In a recent competition, he tried to promote a pawn to a checker, instead of a chess piece. When his opponent complained, Ploppachenko said "Shut up and king me, fathead!". And last year, he was accused of cheating, but not by a chess player. The accusation came from his wife, who caught Mikhail in bed with a Hooters waitress. Even his grandmaster title has been questioned, with many people claiming it isn't real. "Oh, it's real, alright!" Ploppachenko says. "And I paid good money for it: 35 bucks from some guy on the street!"

    With his usual swagger, Ploppachenko predicted a great victory for himself, saying he would effortlessly crush the competition. "I will win every game," he boasted, "and walk off with first prize, second prize, and anything else that isn't nailed down!"

    The trouble began in the very first round of the 2022 Chicken Ridge Open. Ploppachenko was paired with newcomer Lee Harvey Cruikshank, a blubber salesman from Wales in the UK. Cruikshank learned the game only last week, but feels he has good chances in the tournament. "It's a bunch of little plastic pieces and a checkerboard." he said. "How hard can it be?!" But Ploppachenko quickly lodged a protest with the tournament director, Vinny Vibbins. He complained bitterly about being paired with a novice player. "I should be facing a more worthy opponent, somebody like Steinitz or Capablanca!" 

    "But those guys are dead, Mikhail." TD Vibbins explained.

    "Dead!?" Ploppachenko said. "Since when?! Phooey! Nobody tells me anything."

    In the game, Ploppachenko, with the white pieces, faced the Tarrasch defense in a queen's gambit declined. On move four, Lee Harvey assayed the somewhat unusual cxd4, instead of the more common exd5. This is a rare sideline, the Schara gambit, also known as the "Elmer Fudd Gambit", because it's "Vewy twicky!" After a few more moves, Ploppachenko greedily grabbed a pawn, then quickly got into trouble.

wait, what happened to smoobachuk?

I guess Ploppachenko and Smoobachuk are the same person. They are both his aliases (is that the correct word?), aren't they? 

but they can't be

Hm, I didn't know these brands. Anyhow: chocolate and chocolate milk - that seems to be more proof that this guy is one person!  

next you'll be telling me he's the lead singer for sexual chocolate

    Panko Smoobachuk and Mikhail Ploppachenko are indeed two separate, but equally obnoxious and incompetent players. There is no love lost between the two. They have had numerous meetings over the board, each one ending more acrimoniously than the last. 

   Their last encounter was at Wijk aan Zee in January. They were not in the Masters group nor the Challengers group. They were in the Parking Lot group. They were thrown out of the playing hall due to their disruptive behavior, and had to play their game between a Toyota and a Volvo parked outside.

     Smoobachuk has long championed an usual variation of the English opening, the Smoobachuk attack: 1.c4 e5 2.Qb3!? The line has been almost universally criticized, with Ploppachenko calling it "The stupidest idea since cardboard bathtubs." But Smoobachuk claims the queen is ideally positioned on b3, exerting tremendous pressure on the h9 square. When it's pointed out that there is no h9 square on the board, Smoobachuk says "That's not my fault. I didn't design the stupid chess board!"

     As expected, the game ended quickly and immediately gave rise to a heated exchange of expletives, insults and threatening gestures between the two players. Onlookers cheered the lively spectacle, and a fun time was had by all........