Funny Chess Jokes

I used to practice chess a lot because I was told that practice makes perfect. But then I was told nobody is perfect, so I stopped practicing.

shame, all you had to do was be nobody.

Ah, if it was that easy, but we all know nobody is practicing enough.

I liked the avocado idea. Problem is, vegans don't eat GM avocados.

Why do you not want to light your opponent's hair on fire during a chess game?

Because it will cost you the match.

Gee, talk about a hot topic!

Why would this be especially bad when playing with a wooden chess set?

Because you could lose game, set, and match...

ROMOGNGMALMOGNGMAO! (rolling on my organically grown non-GM avocados laughing my organically grown non-GM avocados off!)

lol... did you come up with that yourself?

Yes, I'm afraid so! 

Here's another idea I've come up with - I think this is original anyway.

It's for players who like to play game-after-game of chess in grueling fashion and who don't know when to stop.

I call it the The 50 Draw Rule:

If 50 draws in a row have gone by without a bathroom break or a nap, either player may automatically call the next game a draw before it has even begun to allow for a bathroom break or a nap before commencing game 52, however if either side has a win at any point during the fifty games, rather than a draw, then one must restart the count from the beginning. If at any point during the 50 games one's opponent drools on the board, one may automatically declare that game a draw, as well.

Chess walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey.

The bartender pours the shots and asks, "Celebrating something?".

"Yes", chess says, "My first BJ".

The bartender says, "Here, let me buy you a beer.".

"No thanks.", Says chess, "If this doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

You know you're getting old when you get winded playing chess.

I just came to this thread to check my hair - perfect as usual.

Q: What did the stalematee get when he/she was ahead in the game?

A: Stalematears.

Why didn't the king go on his daily walk?

He heard there was going to be a pawn storm.

Alekhine's guns don't kill pieces. Pieces kill pieces.

Hillbilly pawn = backward pawn.

What's the difference between good bishops and bad bishops? Bad bishops got caught.

Q: Why did the grandmaster promote his pawn to a queen when he had a chance to capture his opponent's queen instead?

A: He wanted to make piece, not war.

Why was Magnus banned from the seafood restarurant?

He kept ordering PAWNS and lauging hysterically.

I prefer putting my opponent's queen on a skewer, makes the sex life better too.