Signs you're a bad chess player

You purchase the book "New developments in the Classical Bongcloud Out Flank Variation with 9. ... a5?!" by Lenny Bongcloud

No...but I did check it out of my local library!

You think "opposite-color" bishops means a white bishop and a black bishop.

You resign/loose on time after this move

You offer to pay Lenny Bongcloud to be your chess coach.

You get your pawn to the other side then declare "King me!".

Did you manage to keep up?

your chess.com name is "motherinlaw"   

Lenny Bongcloud (RIP), rest his soul, declines your payment as chess coach and says your hopeless

and BTW this is the Outflank Variation of the Classical Bongcloud with 9. ... a5!? which is considered to complex for beginers to understand thouroghly.

Sign you are a bad chess player:

• You have spent the requisite 10,000 hours to become an expert, bad chess player.

You catch your bishop looking at pawn.

If Bobo the monkey resents being called your equal

You think that Fool's mate is a good thing.

• Walmart won't acccept the return of your chess set because of the smiley faces on the pawns.
• You weighted your set by placing each piece on top of a stack of pennies.

You offer to pay Woodshover to be your coach.

Your opponent checkmates you and you tell him he missed capturing your queen and explain to him a queen is worth 9 points.

Good one!

You purchase Lenny Bongclouds first book, " The Classical Bongcloud, Zigzag Attack, Pope's Gambit Variation"