Signs you're a bad chess player


yeah, but you can't forget your great great grandfather's best game.


Instead of 12.Nd2, Qxg4.  If d5, Qh4. 


Truly a most memorable game.

Soon as I find a felt-tip pen, I'm gonna annotate it onto my shirt cuff for posterity and in honor of Bobby's memory.

11qq11 wrote:

Instead of 12.Nd2, Qxg4.  If d5, Qh4. 

but you have to remember that was in the Romantic day's of chess where a player was looking to create an attacking masterpiece, so of course your Great Great Grandfather skipped the opprotunity for a free knight to win the game in miniature style.


You just stopped by aunt Emily's home, bringing bagels and cream cheese as a token of hospitality and good will.

In appreciation, aunt Emily shares with you another photo taken by your uncle Louie. On the obverse side is a genuine Bobbyism, in his own hand with flourishing penmanship... probably from a quill pen.

It says:

"Thank you, thank you to my pal Louie.

You may be a really crummy chess player, but you've got a lotta class, chutzpah and a gold plated heart.

This silk suit you brung for me is a doozy!

Youse's truly,




Your Great Great Grandfather, however never became famous for chess, thouh he did play many brilliant games (like the one below) no he became famous for defending the Little Round Top in the Battle of Gettysburg. here is a game played from that day


Another swell game!...cough...cough...

Here we have Bobby giving uncle Louie some chess coaching. Listen up cabby, mead, hussain guys could use some coaching!

For the first lesson, I want you to play over every column of Modern Chess Openings, including the footnotes. And for the next lesson, I want you to do it again." -- Bobby Fischer 


I would add this, that "back in the day", the major theme was learning openings. Book after book...openings, openings, openings. The idea was that if you didn't first know openings, then how could you expect to get to the middle and end game?

And, the openings were not called "book" or "lines". Forget about "database" or "engine". In the Sunday newspaper, there would be a chess puzzle...and that would be a treat.

Of course, there were also books of chess puzzles. But in a book, with or without your chess set following along...what could you do...maybe one puzzle per 5 or 10 minutes? Maybe 10 puzzles in a row before starting to feel eye strain?

We've come a long way, baby.


All this talk of automats reminds me of one of the funniest scenes in history:


I remember this very well...early 50ies. Our first TV! Jackie Gleason and Sid Caesar ruled (and no, that's not Caesar on the right).

Uncle Louie, according to aunt Emily, had some misgivings about gifting that silk suit for Bobby. Why, you ask?

Well, by that time Bobby was starting to become a snob. He started to forget his humble roots.

Here Bobby becomes vexed and bombastic...not only in regard to crummy chess players in general and the world in particular...but concurrently on the unruly ways of the unwashed population of chess players as a whole.

This is what, according to aunt Emily, Bobby told uncle Louie as the two were sipping demitasse espresso down in Greenwich Village at a sidewalk cafe (and no...there were no Starbucks or lattes back then, otherwise, they woulda..see?).

Bobby, by this time, had developed "airs of affectation". In particular, he would raise his eyebrows and shoot his pinky finger straight up towards the Heavens, while lifting the espresso cup delicately and aiming it at his pursed lips:

It's the fault of the chess players themselves. I don't know what they used to be, but now they're not the most gentlemanly group. When it was a game played by the aristocrats it had more like you know dignity to it. When they used to have the clubs, like no women were allowed and everybody went in dressed in a suit, a tie, like gentlemen, you know. Now, kids come running in their sneakers. Even in the best chess club-and they got women in there. It's a social place and people are making noise, it's a madhouse." -- Bobby Fischer

Yoo forgot your suit!


Against the advice of your uncle Louie, Bobby became a member  of the Worldwide Church of God. He donated scads of money to that church.

Ultimately, Bobby regretted not listening to his pal Louie, the crummy chess player. Here is what he lamented:


Church members shouldn't let themselves be confused. They begin not trusting in their own judgment, and then they're finished. That's a terrible, terrible thing. First, they get conducted in with a nice sweet program, no money, everything free, free, free. And then they get sucked in, and suddenly a few lies get mixed in. They are told that their human nature is wicked and these nice people who gave them all these things wouldn't be lying to them, would they? And then I think once you start distrusting your own mind you're finished. From there you just get more and more confused. Once you think that your own mind is not your friend any more-your own conscience and your own mind is not your friend-then I think you are on your way to insanity. You have been stripped bare. All your defenses are gone." -- Bobby Fischer 

corpsporc wrote:

You are proud that you solved your first chess puzzle and quit forever since the achievement is monumental.  The puzzle was a mate in zero. And this was the mate in zero that you solved.


Bad chess player that he is, your uncle Louie rows Bobby out on Lake Geneva for a quiet chess game. Placid waters have a calming effect on Bobby's jangled nerves caused by all the rancorous hulabaloo of tournament play.

Of course, uncle Louie brought along the beloved genuine, authentic Bobby Fischer pocket-sized magnetic chess set. And Bobby made uncle Louie strip to the waste to ensure that he wasn't hiding an extra piece or two. Can you imagine the international embarassment to Bobby if uncle Louie were to win by cheating? Hah?

Good company...a quiet setting...some great and lousy chess...what more is there to life? You can tell by the serene and smiling face manifested by Bobby during this casual and relaxing outing.


Here we have Bobby Fischer...LOSING!!! a game of ping pong against your uncle Louie.

Hey, Bobby, how does that grab ya?


Best game of your life!


You request a copy of a USCF registration form and you get a reply email that says....



You think castling is a new square dance move, right after dosie doe.

You lose with white in 2 moves.

You rake the board players after you lose a minor piece.

After you're several points behind, you think to yourself, "what the heck am I doing here?"

You hear someone say the name Kasporav and you say "gesundheit!"

And the #1 reason:  You think Bobby Fischer was a football player.


I loved that bong cloud game! I'll have to remember it...cough...cough...

Everyone knows that Bobby was a sprinter. But few know that he was also a 1-1/4 mile mudder.

Here we see your uncle Louie's "Pop"  (Louie, Sr. your great uncle, an unabashed cheesy chess player...and for whom they named "Louisville", KY where the race is held) presenting Bobby with an I.O.U. for $10,000,000 for having placed 2nd (by a nose) against Secretariat in the '73 Kentucky Derby.

Bobby also got to go on a swell dinner date with Miss Kentucky Derby, 1973:


I have a confession everybody... shh... I own a copy of "My 60 Memorable Games" and I don't understand $#*#( in it!

nameno1had wrote:

You request a copy of a USCF registration form and you get a reply email that says....


Smile (although from USCF you can't be sure of anything)...

e4nf3 wrote:

BTW...I haven't heard anyone use the word "luncheonette", which was a commonly used word, since "back in the day".

Here, Bobby is getting custom fitted for a really swell (nobody says "swell" anymore, either) suit, gratis your uncle Louie.

See...just by the radiant, beaming smile on Bobby's face, you can tell that he is fully appreciative of the kindness of a truly crummy chess player, his good pal, your uncle Louie.


Notice, too. the absence of breast pockets which would facilitate the carrying of a genuine, authentic Bobby Fischer pocket magnetic chess set. Bobby, as they say, is "moving on up".

All thanks to uncle Louie, who is also thoughtful enough to be taking this swell photograph which we are all presently enjoying, especially cabby who is probably "Bobbying" as he does so.

Life is good.

Bobby Fischer had his whole life dominated by chess. 

The only thing he did in his spare time was more chess.

I guess the obsession with chess is what makes great players.