The Pawn Marches On

The Pawn Marches On

The pre-battle briefing had been quite explicit: we, the pawns, were expendable. We would be traded off to open lines for the important pieces to have room to act. We would swarm down the field providing cover for our betters. If by the colossally unlikely occurrence that we reached the end of our paths, we would be used as collateral to force the win of one of the enemy's pieces. In short, we were cannon fodder. Half-hearted prayers, for the day we would all rise up against our masters, were on many of our lips. Truth was, although we pawns were numerous, we lacked the power or the will to rebel. That is not to say we were miserable – far from it. We lived for the surge, the push, the en-masse advance. To spearhead an overwhelming attack was to fulfil our purpose, our very existence. To be the critical line of defence to save the king...sublime.

So I, with my fellow pawns, waited till the call to battle came and we were lifted out of our plastic storage box and set up in our starting positions. Lacking height like the others, I could see little except for what was immediately around me but we all knew the army's general layout, having been resurrected many times for many battles. On this occasion I had the singular honour of being the “king's pawn” and started at what we referred to as e2. This was a coveted and important role for a pawn.

Battle joined and I was lifted up and placed two complete squares forward, on e4. I stood there proudly and relished the new perspective this vantage point gave. I was right up there in the centre, which most of the game would hinge around. From here I could see a little way into enemy territory but there was not much to see for now except distant battle lines. I was happy, nonetheless – not only was mine the honour of the first move but I was also challenging the enemy head on, solo! The opposition advanced a pawn also; from some of the snippets previously overheard by one of the other pawns, who had been acting as serving-staff for meetings of the major pieces, I knew this was the Sicilian Defence. I won't pretend to understand all of what happened but I will relate the parts immediately next to me or involving me directly. Pieces started to deploy – I saw, through the haze of the battlefield, them thunder into designated places. Early on our king's knight nearly clipped me with his hooves as he leapt into the central square beside me; he stayed there for a while but naturally I did not presume to engage him in conversation while we waited for orders – such things were beneath his station and above mine. Bishops glided around us, probing.

There did not seem to be anything stopping me from advancing but I was duty-bound to wait for instructions. One of my fellows drew up on my right-hand side and I was grateful. We locked shields; between us now we controlled half a rank in front of us, at the edge of the enemy's territory, from d5 to g5. We were primed and ready for either a central assault or a kingside attack; the thrill of anticipated action ran through me. Finally, a bugle sounded and I was directed to advance, threatening a black knight at f6 from the e5 square. It retreated to the back rank in a hurry, I was proud to see. In a way, the pawn is the strongest man on the board – if protected properly, which I was by my stout fellow pawn, one was immune to threats of capture. This irony was because of the very lowly nature we possessed – who would sacrifice an important piece for a “nobody” like me? So I dug into my little advanced fortress position, bolstered by my comrade, afraid of nothing.

This would be my only advance for now, though: the way ahead at e6 was blockaded by an enemy footsoldier. Due to our contrary nature, we could not attack directly in front – only those diagonally forwards from ourselves. Our shields pressed together and we glared menacingly at each other. I kept a vigilant eye open for attack from either side with a pawn advance at d6 or f6, as both were now possible. Our queen's knight hopped into the space I had vacated at e4 and both knights now loomed over the enemy's centre from there, side by side. Glancing quickly over my shoulder a few times, I saw our rooks manoeuvre into the centre and the other pieces begin to coordinate with them to bear pressure down the middle of the board. Our king's knight dropped back to f3, clearing the d-file and I sensed his support to my square. I wondered at this and speculated that he might be re-routing to the kingside. Even I could see we had a spatial advantage and the initiative. The black forces must be itching to break free of this lock-down. Then without warning, at least without any that I was aware of, an enemy footsoldier tried to rush past me, attempting to dislodge the knight at e4 by advancing to d5. I glanced at the knight who nodded to me; this was my permission to slay the d-pawn as it tried to charge by. I slew it, en passant, and found myself at the d6 square, supported by the knight plus the rook distantly behind me; clear of the enemy pawns, a mere two tantalising squares from my goal. It transpired that the enemy had allowed my capture of his pawn in order to swing his king's knight back to the site I had chased it from, f6. Between it and the enemy bishop I was prevented from advancing further to d7. It occurred to me in a moment of rare insight that his intent had maybe not been merely to free the knight but also to close the d-file to our own side's rook – if I had not captured it would have likewise been closed also. Still, we were a pawn up for it; more importantly to me: I was the extra pawn.

I was blind to a lot of what followed. To my right was the pawn I had started out facing. In front of me the opponent's bishop occupied the d7 square, protected by the knight at f6. Right and back of me, at the e5 square I had been so comfortable at, was our king's knight, providing potential support to me should the chance come to advance further. It seemed I was an important part of proceedings again but prospects of further movement seemed bleak, at least for now. Manoeuvring continued and I became dimly aware of a lessening of the forces around me. My side's troops kept up a constant defence of me, that much I was sure of. The knight hitting d7 exchanged for the bishop in front of me and our other knight stepped in to take his place at e5. The enemy could not capture him with its knight lest my old friend the f-pawn recapture at e5 and support me again. What I was not aware of, but was told later, was that our side was threatening a checkmate attack on the kingside; all I knew of it was that the blockading knight at d7 pulled back to f6, leaving my way forward clear again.

A few moves later, the order finally came for me to push on and I joyfully advanced to the seventh rank. It appeared pressures elsewhere had made this possible. I was held strong at that square by our knight and rook, although passage further forward was for now made impossible by the enemy's pair of rooks patrolling the back rank, I could see. The rest of the game was a bit of a blur – I must admit I was feeling a little light-headed at being so far up the board. The rooks must have doubled behind me but why no rook was sent to blockade my advance is a mystery not shared with me.

My last memory of that game is receiving yet another order to advance; when I started forward, however, I felt an overwhelming sense of power and majesty for the briefest of moments – it was as though I could charge the board in any direction as far as the eye could see. I am at a loss to explain it further; it was so fleeting though, as I found myself the humble pawn put back in the box with my fallen comrades. The funny thing was, it did not feel that I had died, more ascended. The glow stayed with me long after the match was finished. From what I was told, I became for that instant a queen, mistress of the board; this was a feeling I would never lose. For now, though, another game is starting and this pawn must march on.

Knights can give orders to en passant? I always assumed it was the king.

I havn't read it, but your profile picture of a knight is quite unsuitable to the story is it not? xD xD WHERES THE PAWN MAN WHERES THE PAWN?!!!!!!!1

Ah the wonders of sex change.

Among my friends, we have a nickname for promotion:ah kwa, which means "transexual" in Hokkien. Thus:

"Go try for Ah Kwa!"

"Crap! He's gonna Ah Kwa his pawn next turn!"

And leads to much hilarity, only overshadowed by the "Boob" and "Saggy Boob" pawn formations. I am not kidding you. Too many casual games with the same people and this happens.

*awkward silence* um... we have ... uh... similar strange things over in this country too... aah... uh... um... we have a real queen...? :D

 Don't stutter so much, like some saggy boobed-ah kwa.

 Another great one, Here_Is_Plenty!

ah, kwality nazism

Yes, this is why I write - it brings out all the other crazies.  Now my wagons are poised to round you all up.  Next stop, Here_Is_Purgatory.

Where they sell tickets.

 can you write one from the perspective of the Black Queen in Levitzky Marshall (the one with 23. Qg3!!)

                                !

 No, but you can.  I do not have a patent pending on writing. :p

The queen looked across the board for a safe square. Alas, she could not see one. But suddenly, a hand appeared from the skies, plucked her up and threw her at some huge breathing monster.

"Oops." Said a voice from uphigh. "I meant to place her here instead." She felt herself being picked up again, this time with a motion of purpose and confidence. The hand placed her firmly down on a square, and oh what a square! Around her, she could she three pawns, all rearing to eat her up. She was afraid, but yet she was feeling anxious too, as well as a growing sense of power. She felt as if she was on the brink of death, the border between life and complete loss. She stood their, drawing up her courage to keep her head held up high. Suddenly, a voice exclaimed: "What a move!" Applause was heard all around, from all sides of the board. The Queen felt the power flowing through her hands. She looked straight on at the enemy King, and stared into his very eyes. The king whimpered, cowering behind his three little minions.

But then, just as the Queen thought she had the better of him, the king suddenly toppled over on his own! The Queen was furious! She started raging and shouting! "KILL STEAL DAMMIT, WTF I WAS ON A F(*$^(!"£ KILLING SPREE, AND THAT WULD HAVE GIVEN ME A TRIPLEKILL! $&(!"&£$(*"!£:~@£:!}{£...."

There was then a pause of silence. She sensed herself being stared at from all round, but she couldn't see who was looking at her, or what indeed. Her robes fluttered, the breeze blowing past her skin. Her hairs stood on end, a cold trickle ran down her spine. She felt very vulnerable indeed.

The silence despite being only about a few moments, felt to her as though it was the end of the world. The next few seconds were a blur to her. She was flung into darkness and trapped in some case, and all that she knew next was that she had ended up in some kind of museum somewhere!

Visitors swarmed around her, pointing. "Look! Thats the Queen that talked!". The Queen felt most irritated at this comment, but more aroused than anything. She wanted to ask where she was, and what the **** was she doing here, but instead out came her ill mouth the words: "NO **** YOU, OF COURSE I TALK, WHY CAN'T I TALK YOU BL**** $&()"!&* (insert bad words here)". All of a sudden, she was back there again, the silence stretching endlessly to the infinites of time.

She cowered back, retreating into herself as far as she could go. but Instinctively, she raised her head as she does all the time, feeling rather uncomfortable in her current state, acting proud when she was actually very afraid and embarrassed. In the process of doing so however, sticking her head right up as she does, she glimpsed a crown across the otherside of the room in the museum. It was the king.

The king was leering at her, mockingly. The Queen was too overloaded with emotions and confused to retort back, and just stood there.

Several minutes passed, and the people stopped crowding round and moved away. When all peace had resumed, the queen was feeling itchy for revenge. Firstly, she focused her full stare onto the king. The king was also relishing some action at this point, but was taken back by her ferocity. Indeed, the next second the queen had zoomed right up to him and smacked him across the face. She beat the living daylights out of him, and he was never to be seen in action again.

The Queen was feeling most victorious. But she was a little loss at to what to do now. Afterall, she had the whole world to explore, and she was feeling the slightest bit hungry after all that. Maybe she would snack on the king first... And so the Queen lived happily ever after.

The things some people will do for a member point...

Wow look at this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBQEcsc8EkU&feature=fvwrel

umadbro? cus you shouldn't be. You know you want to. Just click on the link. Come on. You know you want to. It's human curiousity. Exploited. Come on. You know you DON'T want to. HA! Just kidding. Oops, that probably made you not want to click on it. Okay uh. hum. Just click on it please :D

Great stuff!

Thanks, David.