The True Origins of Chess

The True Origins of Chess

Once upon a time, in a land far from here, chesspieces of every colour imaginable lived in harmony with each other. There were reds, blues, greens, blacks, browns, pinks, purples, whites, yellows and oranges, plus many other shades and tints. Like the chesspieces we know, each colour had a king who ruled them; each king, though, was answerable to the King of Kings, the Rainbow Emperor. He was pigmented with every colour and ruled them all wisely and fairly, paying no special favours to any colour grouping. All was peaceful and tranquil...well almost all; the white and black chesspieces constantly bickered with each other. It went on for so long that neither side remembered how the disputes had started. The arguments became gradually more and more heated; scuffles broke out in public places when they met.

Finally, even the patience of the Rainbow Emperor had reached its limits. He decreed that an organised battle would take place between the black and white chessmen. The whole land buzzed with the talk of it, as the day of the battle approached, for there had never been such a thing in the land's history. The Emperor consulted at length with his advisers about the format the contest would use till they came up with an eight-by-eight grid similar to the boards we use today and a set of rules for the little war. The day came at last and the area was marked out in a field commonly used by the chess-people for sports and festivals. Four arbiters, each of a different colour background, stood by the sides of the conflict zone to ensure fair and honourable conduct. Other coloured pieces who were spectators wore little black or white tokens on their clothing to indicate which side they were cheering for.

The Emperor waved a chequered flag to signal the start of the event; the proceedings commenced with white to start, as decided by the toss of a coin. Both sides made tentative pawn moves then went on to explore the new terrain laid out with their more powerful pieces. Before long the kings were confidently issuing brave commands. The rules the Emperor and his advisers had come up with licensed only non-lethal combat, so as the pieces fell in “battle” they were motioned to withdraw from the grid. After four hours of manoeuvring, finessing and exchanging the two kings looked at each other and realised they had reached an impasse. They could do no more here to try to win; each was reduced to a few pawns with no credible advantage. They signalled to the arbiters their intent to declare a draw and then approached the Rainbow Emperor. He smiled at them, having suspected this result might happen, and asked if honour was now satisfied and if peace could now ensue. Both kings, black and white, shook their heads angrily; the Emperor was furious at this. They had been given a face-saving way to end the conflict and this was their decision. He summarily banished both groups from that land, instructing them to be bound to each other for all time, or at least until they had resolved their differences.

So the two sides gathered themselves and left for our plane of existence, where they have dwelt now for thousands of years. They watch every re-enactment of their initial conflict on our chessboards and crave that one day there will be some final irrefutable resolution of this enigmatic dance they inspire, that they may proclaim a winner and loser and return home. Personally, I think any wise man would hope that day never comes, for without them we might have no more chess. Or to put it another way, I pray that they will live unhappily ever after...

I don't get it?

Hey, are you ponnuppoozzuzu?

So chess originated in Watts?

Oh well, at least you didn't throw Caissa in there (every time Caissa comes up, so does my lunch).

Hey pawn, you gotta get a new angle or something (I'm the resident coy nutball around here).

And so while the Rainbow Emperor faded into the forgotten grey of the past, the black and white kings achieved immortality...(If you want to be forgotten, be peaceful and tranquil. If you want to be remembered, just bicker.)

And the rest of the movie wasn't much of an improvement... 

I wonder what opening did they play? The Ruy Lopez? The Philidor Defence? The Four Knights Game? Queen's Gambit?

You mean Joe Don Baker and the kid?

I meant the very first game of chess. What opening did it play?

Ask Greco.

Actually, according to the Oxford Encyclopedia the very first game of (modern) chess was the Scandinavian.

 Thats rare insight into me, there, pawn.

White wins most of the time.

Yeak, bit of a sod really

It means, the Black and White pieces will keep on fighting until one side finds an unrefutable win, that means a confirmed move for one side from move 1.

King Solomon is credited with the invention of Chess!  After all isn't he the Wise's of all Kings!

American loopholes in grammar.

If you see an American flag next to a member's name, Google will refuse to translate.

Refuse to translate?  You have never heard a Scotsman then.  "A voice made for the typewriter."

Actually, I'm a sucker for the incomprehensible, yet incredibly interesting Scottish accent