A Chess Widow's Lament

Chess Life   July 1980

This fun article was one of several designed at the time to increase impulse newsstand sales

Being wedded to a chess fanatic is probably worse than being married ty a football nut. At least football fiends stay home most weekends — comatose in front of the television, to be sure, but at home.

Now, my husband's idea of a perfect vacation is a week in Omaha spent scrunched over a chessboard with his maniacal cohorts.

This is really not so bad. The real problem is that Bob expects me to play the game with him.

I used to like playing chess. It was fun, once upon a time. It was not, however, a combination of sex and finding the holy grail. I didn't even mind, really, having to make room for his 40 or more chess books, nor his 10-year accumulation of CL&R, nor a dozen boards scattered all over the house, disturbance of which was a capital offense.

No, it was the over-the-board play that got me. I would study a position l carefully, then make what seemed to me a brilliant, at least a "sound" move.

Bob would sigh in disgust (or, worse, pity), then announce a six move mate. He wouldn't dare treat Anatoly Karpov that way.

I quit playing chess with my husband.

He went cold turkey for a few weeks and then bought his first chess computer. It was one of the earlier models, and he beat it quickly and easily. But he could, and he did, call it names, abuse it verbally and shower it with contempt. Of course, it continued to play with him, anyway.

I realize that any man who talks to a machine has problems, but lack of an opponent is not one of them. This was a marriage made in heaven!

One night I was working at the kitchen table when Bob came running in looking slightly stunned.

"It's cheating "he announced.

I stared at him blankly.

"The chess computer is cheating — it keeps manufacturing Queens that don't exist," he explained.

I grinned. "I don't blame it, after all the abuse you're given that poor machine. I would cheat too, if I could figure out how."

He tucked the computer away on a shelf shortly after that and bought a newer model, one that talks back.

The new machine was a huge success. Not only did it play better, but it could announce its moves and comment on the game in a velvety, masculine, impersonal voice.

But even this marvelous new machine soon showed its limitations.

If it played for a draw when courage might have gained a win, Bob would heap insults upon it. If it made an obvious move when a brilliancy was possible, Bob would cast aspersions on it, citing cowardice, lack of imagination, and chicken-hearted circuitry.

As always, the machine replied coolly.

Yet, with time, I detected a subtle change in the computer's responses. An imperceptible tremor, the whine of a beaten dog crept into its voice.

One night, the verbal barrage was worse than usual. Bob viciously pushed the button to start a viciously pushed new game, and the diodes blinked to life.

"Okay, you lily-livered moron," Bob snarled, "let's see if you can handle the Marshall Attack."

The computer blinked again, then snarled back, "Not tonight, Bob; I've got a headache."

Well that was a fun read...  I knew there was a punchline coming, but not that one.  Thanks!

I must have missed this one when it came out.  Thanks for the chuckles, BG.

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Wahahahaha!

Okay, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and Light and Darkness, etc. Then He created Adam, the first man.

So, Adam was minding his own business in the Garden of Eden, when God approached him....

God: Adam, are you feeling lonely?

Adam: yes, a little, I guess.....

God: Well, I have created a companion for you.

Adam: Where is he?

God: No, it is not a man; it is a woman.

Adam: What is a woman?

And God explained what a woman was......

God: By the way, I want you to have children.

Adam: What is children?

And God explained what children were, and what you have to do to make children, etc.....

Adam: Okay, so where is she?

God: She is over there in that cave. Go there and stay a few days, and then come back.

And God waited.......and waited.......

Finally God could see Adam coming back.

God: So, how did it go?

Adam: What's a headache?

Good one

God created the Woman , Devil invented Chess.

She slipped that in...

Lesson learned.

ha.

Madam, i'm Adam..... palindromically speaking.

G_d created man, realized all the mistakes, then created an updated model.

A man, a plan, a canal - Panama

Well, in Judaic mythology the first woman was Lilith, who turned out to be a she-demon of the night, and queen of the succubi.

I thought so. That's why I put it here.

Neat story. Thank you for sharing. 

So, how come the Lilith Fair was heavenly?

Oh... no !

I never hear about that.

And is there this story in Bible too?

Then she was like my ex-wife.

It's very personal and sad story.

how is the fold in the page possible without distorting the top.

The magic of photoshop.