Advice Pls - Never Played in a Tournament

Try this site http://main.uschess.org/.  Take a clock and regulation set and board if you have one.  You will have to join USCF to play in the tournement but you can do this on site.  Play is strickly touch rule--if you touch a piece you must move it, if you touch an opponents piece you must capture it if you can, and once you set your piece down you have made your move.  Hitting the clock concludes your move.  You have to record your moves, otherwise if there is a question of illegal moves or such you can't prove it one way or the other.  If you have any issues, which you probably won't, go to the tournement director.  Don't talk during the game.  You can talk beforehand, and say good luck, at the beginning, but once the game is started, check, checkmate, and draw? are the only words that you can say.  If you finish early do not analyse the game while other games are in progress; it is very distracting, ignorant, and against the rules.  Do not get involved in anyone elses game...ever.  If you see one of the players make an illegal move in a nearby game, and the opponent doesn't realize it and plays on,  say and do nothing and mind your own game.  Most other rules and ettiquette, of which there is a lot, you can learn as you go.  Sometimes they have books for sale with the official tournement rules but you don't really need this if you are only playing for fun.  Hope this helps.

"I like moves that smite, at least when I am the one who gets to play them."

I'm going to my first tournament next weekend. I found out about it on my local chessleague website and emailed the organizer. He gave me all the info about signing up (which I did) and what to bring. I booked a room in a nearby hotel (its a 2 day affair) and I eagerly await my time to play :)

I'm assuming you're a member of the USCF...if you're not you should check out the website and buy a membership. 

thx.  by the way are there age groups in these tournaments.  I would be in the "geezer" group.