Chess Etiquette after game

After finishing the game, there are two acceptable ways to proceed (depending on whether you won or lost)

Keep in mind, this is for "Over the Board" (OTB) games.

Online etiquette is similar, but I will get in to that later.

OTB End of Game Etiquette (Lesson 1)

If you won the game:

Casually lean back in your chair and smirk as your opponent offers his hand to shake. Look him in the eyes for a long few seconds; you have to make him feel that you own him. Let him understand that you are now his master. After he has accepted this fact (and not before,) you may stand, shake your opponent's hand, and loudly announce to all players in the vicinity, "I have claimed VICTORY!"

You must then proceed to fling the chess board and all the pieces to the ground, and jump up on to the table. Beating your chest with your hands, you scream, "I AM KING!"

If your opponent protests, or starts to attempt to calm you down, you must take this as a sign that he has not truly submitted himself to your authority. Now, the proper thing to do is to tackle your opponent. After beating him ruthlessly, you must put your heel over his throat and say menacingly, "There can be ONLY one..."

Keep in mind, this is the only acceptable way to behave after game, and if you do not follow this etiquette exactly it is very likely your opponent will become extremely offended.

If you lost the game:

Hang your head in shame. You must allow your opponent the honor of knowing he has crushed not just your strategic wit, but also your mind, heart, and soul. It is advisable to begin to cry, (mind you, no sobbing, which would seem overly dramatic); just let a few tears slide down your cheeks.

As he reaches across the board to shake your hand, (and perhaps attempt to console you) you must reject(!) his proffered hand! You have not yet proven your loyalty to your new master!

It is now time to perform the age old salute of ancient chess players. You must kneel in front of your master. Take your king from the board, and loudly proclaim, "Sir, you have bested me in combat. My life... is now yours. Do with it what you will." Now, you give your opponent the king, and bring your lips to his shoes.

At this point, common courtesy demands for you to empty your pockets and give your opponent everything to be found within them. It is only after this has been accomplished, that you have shown your opponent the proper respect.