Common Chess terms I CANNOT STAND

You ever start playing this board game after awhile and hear terms repeatedly that nauseate you?  Like, if you hear certain terms, they make you twitch or quiver? 

Here are some of the common chess terms you hear from players constantly that make me want to skip my lunch:

CASTLES :   Ok, this one.  Why do we have to say "castle" in the plural sense?  That is unbelievably annoying.  Folks, just say he or she CASTLED KINGSIDE. Skip the PLURAL AND USE PAST TENSE!!!

CONDUCTING ANALYSIS : This one really bothers me.  "He or she CONDUCTED ANALYSIS".....YUUUUCK!!  Just say he or she looked at the frickin game!!  He or she isn't CONDUCTING ANYTHING.  They are not in a marching band or trying to put electricity thru a set of tubes.

HAVING IDEAS of G5, G4, etc :  HAVING IDEAS OF.....Why say it like that??  I am having ideas of jumping off a roof.  Just say I was THINKING ...OF MOVING....TO G5!

Here is a term I loathe when I see it pop up on the screen (with a win in hand) .... STALEMATE

I go back and forth between present tense and past while describing a game that is over. I understand your objection, but must note that both historical writing (by professional historians) and literary criticism vacillate in the same manner. Having been infected by these forms of professional discourse through more than a decade as a college student, followed by an even longer period on the other side of the podium, I'm not certain that you can teach this old dog new tricks.

I thought castles was an action word, like eats. 

Anyway, an annoying phrase is, "The rest is just a matter of technique" as if it doesn't matter when it's actually more important to study than even tactics. 

hahaha, I'm going to use all of these from now on ;) maybe all of them in the same sentence.

I conducted straightforward analysis during the game and said to myself, "if he castles kingside then I'll have ideas of pawnstorming." After conducting further analysis, however, I noticed that I could play castles kingside myself and have ideas of a minority attack. The rest was just a matter of technique.

Haha!  Daniel, my head just exploded!!

I honestly don't see how that's annoying though.  Oh well, people will be like that.  If I plan on castling queenside I prefer to wait unless it's a Sicilian where black will usually castle kingside anyway (black castled queenside in the Sicilian during Suhle-Andersson in 1859 ^_^ )  

Hey Squarology ... I'm Jonzing for some more of your blitz videos. I need my fix man ;)

When the term "castles" is just used.  For example, pawn to E4, castles, then knight to E6...etc.

DON'T SAY "CASTLES".  Don't PLURAL IT.  PAST TENSE is grammatically correct. CASTLED.  Important to use proper grammar in chess.

What if I am talking about castling in the future? Something like, "If white castles, he faces a pawn storm."

Bigg Doggie!!  Yes, that is fine in the future tense there.  Its mainly when the term is used by itself and in the plural sense.  Plural drives me crazy. 

E4, castles, Knight to C6, castles, etc.....Doesn't that drive you crazy, too??

E4, then white CASTLED, knight to C6, black then CASTLED.....

See the difference?

Some light reading on the historical present in literary criticism (chess analysis is akin to litcrit because you are assessing a work of art even though it may be incompetent art).

http://www.txstate.edu/slac/writing/documentation/present_tense.html

James, do you ever use the term "castles" alone and in the plural sense? 

E4, Castles, knight to C6, castles.....

Please say no.  :(

I'll just point out that "Castles" is not plural. We are not speaking of physical castles (which would be nouns) but of the ACT of castling, meaning that it is a verb. There is no such thing as the plural tense of a verb; when people say "White castles", they are using the present tense. But I agree, the past tense does sound marginally better- I remember initially resisting having to use the present tense in literary critical essays because it just didn't sound right.

Yes. 

Found one instance on my blog of over 600 posts: http://chessskill.blogspot.com/2012/03/king-safety.html

There you used "white castles" - that's not bad.  If a person used "castles" alone, is where the trouble spot is.

Geez, this castles thing is wrong on so many levels.....

Castle in chess is not a noun, it's a verb.

We dont say Pawn took Pawn, we say Pawn TAKES Pawn.

In the old books that I read, castles is universal once they moved past "White king changes" (Gioachino Greco, The Royall Game of Chesse-play, 1656).

Maybe "CASTLES" is when you move both Rooks at the same time when castling. You know, better protection. Just saying.