Dealing with losing

I sit here typing with one hand because I severily injured the other (it may be broken) when I punched my monitor yesterday after losing a series of games in both live and turn based chess. I wish I could say that this was an anamoly, but it isn't: A few months ago I destroyed my laptop after losing to the computer on this site repeatedly, and there have been numerous instances -- the first of which sent me to the emergency room -- when I became so enraged after losing at internet chess that I felt like I was having a heart attack.

Though it goes without saying that I have a problem and need some help, the question is, should I quit playing chess altogether? Because of the obvious consternation and damage to my sense of self-worth it causes me, I can't honestly say that I enjoy it, yet I still have an intense and seemingly interminable interest in it. Perhaps this is the very epidemy of pathological obsession?

Has anyone else had similar problems and would have the courage to admit it? You can IM me if you like.

What is going to happen is going to happen losing and failing is part of life itself - everyone is equal. In the end chess is just a game try not taking it so seriously and perhaps you will be much more happy.

I usually add people to my no play list if I suspected of cheating. So, they will not have a game with me anymore.

you got to fail somewhere to enjoy your success somewhere else.

Since i note all of my games, if i lose, i can't wait to analyse this game and see how it would've turn if i did not do the mistake

Take your time, i know losing is damn frustating , especially against computers.

But it's a part of the game, and it means there's something that you got to fix with your game.

 I do have most of my games and all of my loses on this site computer analyzed, but it doesn't seem to improve my game much.

I expect to lose sometimes but it is hard to take when I lose more than I win, lose several games consecutively, loose a game in which I have a decisive advantage or to a lower-rated opponent.

The thing that frusterates me the most is that in live chess, which I play on a different site, I loose about 95 percent of the time and have a rating that is about 400 points lower than I do in turn-based chess. There I usually loose even to other low-rated opponents. And no matter what kind of opening or defense I use, it is always defeated somehow. It makes me think that everone there is cheating.

That's a serious anger management issue there.  You admit that you could use some help with it; are you actually planning to do so?  A professional therapist could probably give a better opinion about whether or not it would be healthier for you to avoid anger-causing situations, or to confront them armed with better coping techniques.  We're just the peanut gallery here.

Until you do go for professional help, my amateur opinion would be that yeah, maybe you should break the habit.  I can't speak to the impact on your mental health, but clearly it's having a major detrimental effect on your physical health, and that's not a good characteristic of any hobby.

Incidentally, many (most?) players here have a Live chess rating hundreds of points lower than their Online (turn-based) rating.  It's just an odd artifact of two independent rating pools, rather than an indicator that you're playing badly.  So you don't need to get mad at yourself or your computer -- it's quite common!

My way to control the anger is take a long walk.   Too helps me think that chess is a game!  And when I start a game I don't want to break down every opponent.  I only enjoy playing! 

I'm sorry about your hand and I wish you will be well soon.

I do feel for your situation, and I also have problems with losing in OTB tournaments.  The way that I calm down is by thinking that in the world, the sun will still come up tomorrow and the world will still exist if I hang a rook in a won endgame.  In other words, remind yourself that life goes on, and losing a few online chess games is not that big a deal.  However, this approach doesn't always work in OTB tournaments, as more is at stake.

Just make sure that if you want to keep playing, whenever you lose, just take a break, especially if it's a blunder. Just walk away and do something else for an hour or two. If you blunder once you'll end up blundering in other games and that gets me the most frustrated. If you relax and calm down before you start again, then it won't build up so strongly.

Thanks to everyone for their comments. Hopefully three weeks of having my right hand (I'm right handed) in a cast will give me the incentive I need to learn how to cope with my anger and stop flying off the handle when I loose.

Dude, i suggest your sing "I feel pretty oh so pretty..." from the Adam Sandlers' Movie: Anger Managment (lol). Try practicing laughing at your losses and take them as a positive way of improving.We all lose somehow, or if you want, buy a punching bag and have it hanged beside your Computer so that when you feel like throwing a punch put your attention to it. Smiling and laughing at your mistakes gives you the feeling that it aint so bad after all.:)

You were angry because you lost in an internet chess game? What about Kramnik who allowed the famous mate in one and lost a lot of money for this? What he should have done? Shoot himself? We are all humans, thus we make mistakes. Most often we repeat the same mistakes. So what? How come you can be so angry after a game? We make bigger mistakes in life.

"Perfection is the worst thing a man can achieve, for once you achieve perfection there is no room to learn, to question, to dream, and to imagine.." one of my favorite quotes

1.  If you don't enjoy chess, stop playing.

2.  If you lose a "series of games", even one game, and find yourself enraged, stop playing at least for the day.  It's likely that anger clouds your thinking and leads to even more losses.

3.  I would seriously get counseling: everyone fails at things from time to time and these kinds of angry outbursts could really jeopardize a relationship or a career for you.

There seem to be loads of people who take theirself seriously when they're rubbish players, I dont understand it. Lots of people make comedy moves and their games are junk. They are beginners or students and should expect to lose a lot. What's the problem?

People should not only accept the fact that they are rubbish players but keep it at the forefront of their mind, it stops all this nonsense.

everyone loses and its something you need to be able to handle. just remember that even if you lose you can always play again and you should keep your mind focused on that next upcoming game. also if you want to become better buy some tactics and middle game books and study.

 That is a good quote , i like it.

Yes it can be frustrating to lose several matches in a row. The only advice i can offer is if you keep losing it is probably an indicator that you are lacking in some aspect of your chess game such as your mid game or end game or maybe even your openings. So find find out where your weak point is if you dont already know,and study up on it relentlesly until you are confident in your game again. There are plenty of great books and chess software that can help you study up on your game. In the end though no matter how much you study and learn there is always someone out there better than you, and when you lose to those individuals chalk it up to a learning experience and move on to the next opponent. Don't dwell on your last lost game, drive it from your mind and concentrate always on your current game.

You must figure out what losing means to you. I used to have a strong association with my success at the chessboard and my intelligence. It used to really fire me up when I lost. The people at my chess club started to get offended by my angry demeanor. When I lost or was playing poorly, I would get so mad at myself that I would lose all the fun of the game. I refused to accept that anyone else could beat me. I treated the other players as though I was the reason they won, rather than their own better play. I've almost quit chess in the past because I couldn't get over my own stupid little ego. With the help of awakening with buddhist philosophy, I came to a calmer place in my life. There seems to be an underlying issue that you have that will be revealed only if you are brave enough to really question what losing represents to you within your own life philosophy.

Haha chessroshi I do kind of mix my intelligence and my chess skill together in my mind as well. However when I was beaten on the board I would simply reason that just because they beat me it doesn't mean they are smarter than me, it simply means they know more about chess than I do at this point and it inspires me to study harder and practice more so I can prove that I am the better player.