Dealing with losing

I think we have played some games and I sort of understand your intensity.

Actually I started playing chess to relax but at times I forget it. But we should not forget that it is just a game. That is what I remind myself..

Hope you recover fast and play with both your hands

I read in Chess for Dummies that one guy snuck back in to the tournament room and cut the heads off all the queens.  Another guy just gut up and walked out without saying a word once he realized it was hopeless.

I lose to the computer all the time.  I am confident in the knowldege that I can still turn it off. 

Martial Arts is the best teacher at losing - after getting soundly thrashed in a points sparring event, I had to turn away from the judges, straighten my uniform, get composed, walk back and re-face the judges, bow to them, bow to the flags, bow to my opponent, offer my opponent my hand in congratulations to the opponent, and then leave.  The key here is that if you get out of line - there are four judges and an opponent who can kick your butt.  So you learn calmness in defeat.

Later when you have had time to calmly reflect, that is when you can decide how to be hasty in your anger, and by that time you eat 5 Quarter Pounders from Mac Donalds and call in sick to work.

Once, when I was still a child, I was playing Super Mario Bros on the SNES; I was incapable of beating a certain level, and the more I tried, the worst I was. My father told me: "Take a break, go eat something, wait just fifteen minutes and then try again. If you feel frustrated, take another break, until you beat it". This lesson is still useful today; when you play a game where you need your analysis abilities and concentration at their best, take a break BEFORE it gets over your head, not AFTER. You'll notice the more you bang your head against a problem, the least you're able to solve it.

Now, this is just my opinion, but you may want to play only correspondence chess for a while, as you cannot really step away in live chess. Once you're able to more easily handle the frustration (knowing that you can control it already helps), play ONE Live chess, and prepare to lose. Then, stop playing for a while (at least one day, more if needed). It takes practice and regularity to augment your self-control.

The problem does not lie in chess itself, but in the fact that you both like the game (otherwise it would probably not be that frustrating) and take losses personnaly (I'm not intelligent, I'm not as good as other people...); keep in mind that these thoughts are natural yet untrue; strive to be better than you were, not to be as good as somebody else. This attitude shift will change the way you consider your games.

Now, I'm not a specialist; psychological help is a very good idea, as they'll be able to give you tips based on who you are. Friends and many people you'll find on chess.com for example will base their counseiling on their own experiences and abilities, which differ from yours.

Note that I don't have anger management problems myself, but I knew people who did; you'll be relieved to hear that they all overcame it

Here's my suggestion:

Don't try so hard.

It is a lot easier to deal with losing if you can say, "well, if I had played harder, I could have beaten that guy, but it wasn't worth it."

Because it's not worth it.

Not to be to harsh sounding, but you should really consider professional help on this one.  Lack of self-control to the point of self-injury is pretty pathalogical.  You never know when you might lose control behind the wheel or with your kid or something.  You can be smart enough to rationalize that it's the wrong decision, but if you act impulsively many times it's too late when the rationalization kicks in.  Sometimes even low-dose antidepressants can make a huge difference.  We'd probably have a lot less crime if everyone was on one.

For what it's worth, I've been working in a detention center for a little over a year now and anger is something I've come to learn a little about through group sessions, restraints, and counseling.  Whatever is setting you off, it's not chess.  Chess is just the trigger, there's something going on with you that you've yet to identify if you're still looking at chess.

Your situation sounds a lot like road rage.  Ever feel the same way while driving?

And, yes, see a counselor, at least.  That's not an attempt at being dismissive or degrading.  One of the wisest things I ever did in my life was to figure out I was malfunctioning somewhere and go see a counselor for it.  Maybe you can't win at chess right now, but you can definitely win at life a little.

Well, I had a losing streak of 20 or 25 games in a row back in November. I finally realized that I was losing because I expected only determination to win me the game, which was pretty stupid. I started studying tactics (tactics trainer!) and thinking through every move and the possible lines it would produce; I also stuck to only one response to the standard opening moves in order to study them by repeatedly exploring them - this increased my abilities a lot over a very short time.

So here's my n-step program for improving:

1. When you lose a game, don't get frustrated - analyze it, and use computer analysis if you can't figure out your mistakes. Understand your shortfalls and then work on them.

2. Find the responses that you prefer against certain common openings - your "style." (for instance, you meet e4 with c5, etc.)

3. Use the tactics trainer! It's an amazing training tool. You'll be able to visualize lines and responses much more easily, and you will be able to capitalize on your opponents' mistakes or even get the upper hand in an equal position.

4. Play against very strong players and understand why they make the moves that they do.

5. NEVER EVER assume a player will not see a mistake you have made. Always examine the BEST response that your opponent has. Underestimating another player (even one with a far lower rating) is the key to failure.

Ah, I think that's all... if you find yourself getting angry at the game, just chill for a while, regroup, and come back with renewed enthusiasm.

Boy, do I need to read your post...

...again and again and again.....

First off, I admire your bravery for evening talking about the difficulty that you're having.  I'm sure you're not the only one reacting this way to losing, but you're one of the few talking about it.  So bravo for having the courage to be honest about your challenge with a group of complete strangers.

Second, I agree with ChessRoshi and Neospooky that whatever is going on has very little to do with chess and everything to do with you.  I also second ChessRoshi's assertion that there's certainly some emotional association that you have with losing. In his case it was that intelligence was tied to chess, so losing at chess meant he was dumb.  For you it may be something entirely different, but there is an incredibly strong emotional tie to losing for you, so much that you physically damage yourself in order to avoid feeling whatever that emotion is.  My suspicion is that there's actually an emotion that immediately precedes the anger you feel, whether it's a lack of self-worth, vulnerability, stupidity or something like it that then triggers your anger.  That first emotion may only be a flash, but I suspect it's there, since your reactions are so disproportionate to the events that trigger them, because when you lose you HATE chess for making you feel 'this way.'  Whatever 'this way' is will go a long way toward explaining why you get so angry.

Another way of looking at it in a similar vein might be to see what emotions winning causes in you.  While those emotions after winning might feel good, they might be just as unhealthy as the emotions you feel when you lose.  I know it sounds crazy to say that pleasant emotions might be unhealthy, but I suspect that the way you feel when you win and the way you feel when you lose are intimately tied to some belief you hold about the nature of yourself in competition, real or imagined, with others, and examining your winning feelings may shed some light on your anger.

Lastly, I don't know if you need to see a professional about your anger, but I do believe you need to talk about it with someone you can trust, whether that be a close friend or a counselor.  You've already started the process by putting up this post, but don't let it end here.  Talk to someone about what's going on, someone you trust who can listen to you without too much judgment and who can give you some balanced feedback as well as keep you accountable for your emotions on a regular basis, weekly or monthly, so you can have a sounding board.  There is no substitute for accountability in learning to change our unhealthy habits.

For me personally I often see-saw about chess.  I am completely demoralized when I lose, especially since most of my losses come from my own inept play.  I feel the same way about art a lot, drawing and writing, feeling that my own pathetic attempts will never amount to much of anything, so why even bother?  My reminder in art, as it is in chess, is that I have to get the first 10,000 bad drawings and drafts out of the way before something beautiful emerges.  So, for me and chess I'm going to save my real harsh criticisms for that 10,001st game.

Thanks again for posting,

A.

Greenbean, this is an interesting post.  So interesting, I feel compelled to offer my 2 cents, which I rarely seem to do on public forums these days.  Thank you for sharing.

I too get angry sometimes at games.  I never go to the extremes you do, but I have done embarrassing things before.

I'm not going to say something like "relax -- it's just a game".  I'm sure you realize this already so this won't help.  Nor am I going to suggest therapy, as I personally find therapy to be way overrated.

Perhaps you might try smoking marijuana occasionally.  (Not before you play, though!  Your performance will suffer.)  I'd say that, and getting older, has mellowed me quite a bit.

Perhaps you can look at this a little more philosophically.  Passion for the game is what makes the game good.  If you didn't care whether you won, the game would not be interesting.  Would the world series, or the super bowl, be nearly as interesting if the losing team just relaxed afterward, and said "well, it's just a game?"  Would the world remember John McEnroe if he took his setbacks calmly?

Perhaps you can train yourself to use that passion constructively.  Rather than destroying expensive equipment, you can allow yourself to beat yourself up (not literally, I hope!) for a minute or two, then realize you lost for a reason and get right to work discovering the why.

Just imagine how boring the game would be if you won every game effortlessly.

You say you are having trouble with live chess.  The reason is you haven't trained yourself to think out your moves quickly.  For the vast majority of us, genius doesn't come naturally, but requires hard work.  If you really want to be good, don't throw tantrums; put that passion to work figuring out why you lose.

This is all I can offer you, for now.  I hope it helped.

I will admit it. I have anger problems in general but when it comes to computers its a diffrent story. I hate them. I only use it to study chess. I feel the same way when I make a blunder. Its like I make a move the right as I click the submit button I instantly realize I made a mistake. It angers me till I forget it (which is hard). Also it angers me when I lose a game I KNOW I should of won. Yeah live is way worse because the way they move. I hate it. I alway blunder because my computer feezes for a sec and just ruins it. But anyways I don't think you should stop. This is a great game. Just learn to control yourself. Stop and think about what you are about to do and then once you are calmed down think of a way to make you happy again with chess. For example ask for a rematch and kick his a** lol. Thats what I do unless I know there out of my laugue. And anyways to all if you lose dont it make you want to try harder to beat them or just to become all around better? Well anyways just think about it long and hard.

I swept the pieces off the board and then threw the board...once, just once. Happily I was alone and playing Sargon 4...a strength I could deal with fairly well. On this occasion I got the bright idea that I needed to learn to defend v. The  Bishop's Opening. In Game/10 I played a game and got crushed right quick. I set up again (I was using a separate real-world board and pieces) and again got tactically smushed right away. And again, and again. Same result slightly different execution. After about 10 of these my mounting frustration erupted and off went the pieces and then the board. Computer did not get punched.

I'm not much of a hothead so that's my only violent outburst. Some idiots I wouldn't have minded administering a swirlie though.

lol, u take losing hard

sometimes when i am in a bad mood and i lose i really get frustrated.  usually i curse for 1-2 minutes max and eventually hit the table :) but that's all. then i realize that it is just a game and every loss is an important lesson. and so i continue playing.

i used to do that playing videogames..

Play a game of blitz chess against me sometime.  In Jesus-like fashion, I've martyred my ratings in pursuit of my life's goal of helping people such yourself, who are stuck in the seemingly incurable throes of advanced are-you-kidding-me-it's-just-a-freaking-game-itis.

I guarantee that after just one game, all of your symptoms - the drum-machine heartrate, stress-induced sweating, and laptop-smashing rage will be gone, and you will emerge a new man, aglow with the sense that you are the second coming of Gary Kasparov or something.

Yeesh, praytell how is "professional" help the answer?  That would likely be more expensive than replacing broken equipment.  Get a punching bag, paint a bishop on it, and have at 'er.  Quit breaking stuff.

I say quit now!

You will thank me later, I am telling you....

do the daily puzzle & training.. if u cant solve any... then quit. you have reached your point of no return.

Watch Fight Club and just let go