The Does and Don'ts of Chess

Doooz: Don't play chess without a pack of cigarettes, and at least three martinis.

Don'ts: Always play chess while cleaning the house.

Sidenote: Make sure you understand what "do", and "don't" mean

Don't pick your nose at the board!

man somedays people dont want to be trolled just answer his question and stop trying to be like everyone else

It's pretty open-ended. What should I say: have a hearty breakfast and irrigate your colon before starting a tournament?

This is not the day.

A properly cleansed colon is worth at least half a pawn!

Ha! You guys and your colons

Do's: Control the center, develop pieces, protect the king and lastly the most important one is to throw your opponents king at them when and only when they have won.

Don'ts: Accepting draws is a huge no-no.

Obtain a good book on chess and study it.

Go vegan. Stop the murder of billions of animals. Stop the animal holocaust. See the real world

Here is a good example of really bad advice. Accepting a draw is important if there is nothing more than a draw in the position. I have croaked many a beginner who could have had a draw, but insisted on playing for a win in a drawn position. The imbalances started to generate play only work against the person who insists on playing on. If you don't know if there is anything in the position, then you really don't know how to play and analyze a position.

That being said, the best thing is to give general advice that lives through the ages:

Never give a sucker an even break.

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On the issue of House Cleaning!

I get distracted real easy with the slightest debris, I saw something on my mouse, I remembering saying

"ewwwww"

went to get a tissue, and some disinfectant, cleaned the mouse (wireless)

and then realised I had entered a move which I had no intention on playing

so never clean a wireless mouse near the receiver, bring the mouse to the kitchen, and then clean the mouse

Excellent advice

DO:Win.

DON'T: Lose.

Don't play bad moves, mmkay?

Do's

1) Develop your pieces quickly

2) castle early

3) try to figure out what your opponent is doing EVERY MOVE

4) Try to control the center

5) Don't developed the queen too early

6) try to play a variety of players

7) normally develop knights towards the center

8) if  you want to improve buy some chess books or go to

your local library for some

Don'ts

1) Don't start a g/60 when you have to go to work in 30 minutes

2) Don't forget to eat and sleep because you want to play chess

3) Don't start yet another game of your girlfriend/wife is begging you

to go do something with her

4) Don't sweat your losses, but try to learn from them

5) If your house is on fire don't finish the game before running

outside

Dos

DO call in sick(falsely) for work. It will give you more time to play chess.

DO carry a phone with the chess.com app when eating dinner with a gorgeous supermodel. That way you can play chess when you get bored by her. 

DO move the way a knight moves when walking on a tiled floor.

Donts

DON'T stop playing chess for more than 3 hours(withdrawal symptoms are very painful).

DON'T assume that reading chess books constitutes as playing chess. Lots of people have been tricked by this and accidentally fallen past the three hour mark.

DON'T use a plastic bottle to pee in(when playing chess, because the toilet takes a whole five minutes to use). Use one of those flexible, sealeable water bottles. 

Do wash behind your ears and wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.

Don't forget to tidy up after yourself.  Don't leave colons lying about.

That applies to semi colons as well. They will mature in no time and the floor will be covered in colons.