Historical Russian Chess Insults

As I young lad I played my great grandfather Vlad.  (He survived the battle for Leningrad.)  He always had the best chess insults and I'd like to hear from anyone else who remembers any fine Soviet trash talk from their youth like I do.  My favorite two zingers where "You are like little girl on tricycle I crush you!" and "You push driftwood on Volga I drown you in chess river!"

The first two sentences sound like a rap, lol.

"I call your chess play a silly thing!"

Personally, the "young lad" reminds me of...

Rappers don't rap about silly things like chess.

I recall Grandpa Vlad shouting out "You eat cucumber in closet! Ha!" after slamming down his piece and making a particularly good move.

I am as Russian as I am an olympic swimmer. Nevertheless I will try to put myself into the Russian mindset for 5 minutes and come up with insults:

"If you can play chess then Stalin was working late at night with his light on".

"You should join the Pripyat Chess Club. Your moves are so bad that they are radioactive".

"The KGB uses all of your moves to inflict  laughing sickness upon enemies of the state".

"You have immense experience as a chess player. You lost in 10 moves to Stalin, Trotsky, Andropov and Gorbachev".

"If Putin wants to win a game of chess in public for propaganda, you will be an excellent opponent for him".

I take absolutely no responsibility for someone smashing you over the head with a vodka bottle if you use any of these insults.

Muzhik!!!

or to a female friend who asks why you resigned a tournament game so early to Russian GM
"It's you -- and the night  and the Muzhik"

When someone played a gambit against gramps he would whisper to himself, "Ahh, the chicken has laid a potato, haha!"

"Your piece is like dingleberry on worse square."

you cry like a baby in stroller we just dropped bomb on in peaceful neighbor country.......( #fuckeverylastrussian