I suck even worrrrse.
I hasn't played online in like FUREVER. The last game I started I furgot about and lost on time.
So I've just been purrrracticing with my new SUPER FANCY crystal chess set! I win all the time, all I has to do is push them off with my paws!
Make sure to eat a lot of broccoli, you're prob not getting enough fiber in your diet. Do 15 pushups when you wake up every morning, and when you go to sleep drink some warm milk. In terms of chess specifically, make sure you don't wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Try to find love in your life and accidentally eat hash brownies to gain inspiration and creativity. Once you've accomplished this routine, try sitting at the chess board for several hours without moving the pieces. Try to imagine yourself in a cave with paintings on the wall and relish it in all its beauty. This should set your mind straight when you actually decide to play the game. But don't actually play it, it's just an exercise in zen. Have your father come to your school play, but have him ruin it halfway through by running on stage and making a fool of himself. That'll give you the confidence to be a better man because the bar will be set so low. From there, the rest should be easy: open up a dairy farm and use the muenster cheese to invent a new game called "Muenster Chess." Then become a grand master in muenster chess by making the game so complicated and convoluted that only you yourself could possibly understand the game.
Let me know if you need any more help.