opening stereotypes!

credit somewhat to biz's series of posts that gave me the idea

Go to the opening you main and see what type of person you are! Completely accurate of course (sarcasm alert)

White Openings:

h4, g4, a4, na3, etc. etc.

You either care more about having a good time than winning, which I respect, or you're playing a low rated opponents and want to assert dominance over them, which I mean I guess you can do but it's kind of a weak flex compared to the next one for showing that you are truly a better chess player than your pathetic opponent. (Or you know you might be crazy and actually think that this is a good opening, in which case your rating is probably in the triple digits. Low triple digits.)

Bongcloud

You are a chad. This is the best flex you can possibly make and if you run this in rated games you're saying "I'm so much better than you that I can go -2.5 at the start of the game and STILL win against you easily!" You're also probably 300 points lower than your actual strength, because you know, the bongcloud objectively sucks.

Bird's Opening (1.f4):

You probably play the Dutch Defense as Black, which is perfectly fine and congrats to you for figuring out how to be lazy and play the same opening with both colors. You're still lazy though and when Black plays 1...e5! you groan inside. That is unless you're one of the rare breed of players who then play 2.f4! and turn the tables on the opponent, giving you a massive psychological edge.

English (1.c4):

If you're low rated you play this because it's a reversed sicilian and OF COURSE it's going to be EXACTLY THE SAME!!! WHY WOULDN'T IT BE???? (and then black plays a move other than e5...) If you're high rated you play it because secretly you're actually a London System player who isn't interested in gaining an opening advantage but rather happy with letting black play 10000 different moves for equality as you play your same 7 moves, but you don't want to be called out for playing a disgusting system opening. I'm on to you, though.

KIA:

You. How dare you play this abomination of an opening. You play a disgusting hippo setup and don't take control of the center, you play the same opening moves over and over again blitzing them out without any thought or even memory whatsoever... and you somehow get away with it. I hope you fall for bh3 premove tricks in bullet for all eternity.

1.b3:

Can't put this in the a4, g4 etc. list because it's actually pretty good, but it's so irrelevant. Just like you. You're irrelevant. You probably go through classes without ever talking to anyone and when you get invited to parties you just sit on the side the whole time unnoticed by anyone else. (Wait a second, why don't I play this opening?)

Queen's Gambit:

Low rated players: "oooOOOH the NetFLIX sERIES is called quEENS GAmbit!!! there's an OPENING called the queens GAMBIT! I shOULD PLAY this!"

Higher rated players play it because everyone plays it, and they've played it for as long as they can remember, and they can't imagine playing anything else. They don't quite remember why they play it, or if they like it, or if they might be better off with anything else. To them, the Queen's Gambit is the one and only chess opening in existence.

Yes the Catalan also goes into this category.

London System:

Every london system player ever:

And you never will convince us that the London System is great. Because like the bricks, normal people stand united and unshakably cemented when it comes to  the undeniable fact that the London System is a crutch for beginners and there's objectively far better ways to play for an advantage.

Blackmar-Deimar Gambit:

I'm running out of d4 openings... I'm not a d4 opening main! SORRY!

Worse Danish Gambit. And Blackmar-Deimars are far less tasty than cheese danishes, as well. If you play this you're a psychological warfareist (yes that's a word now that I made it up) as the opponent is likely expecting to face yet another Queen's Gambit/Catalan player, but then he gets faced with e4!! Ooh! Scary!!!! Other than that though you're probably not too serious about improving at chess.

King's Gambit:

You're an intermediate-strong player who knows perfectly well that the "refutations" are only actually helpful for GMs and that the average player's knowledge of KG theory as Black ends in some insanely complex position where they aren't finding their way out of the woods by themselves. And when you hear people going on about how it's refuted, you smile and make a mental note to try and play against them for rating points someday. However if Black plays a countergambit like 2...d5! then you can quickly get forced into an uncomfortable defense as you simply cannot imagine someone doing anything other than taking on f4 and desperately trying to hang on to the pawn.

Vienna:

All e4 players are faced with a choice after Black responds with e5: Do they be bold and attack, bringing out the f3-knight to immediately threaten to take Black's quivering pawn on e5? Or, do they decide to be solid and safe and bring out the other knight to protect their own pawn and make sure that it can't be taken? Vienna players chose the second option, and good for them. You probably aren't playing this opening because you want to gain advantages from it, though, but rather because you just want to get out of the opening and maybe have had bad experiences with other openings starting out.

Either that, or you're just a Gotham sub.

Scotch:

Good for beginners but if you're above 1200 and playing this then really what are you doing with your life? Go out and do something, have some ambition! Don't play something so dry and simple! And if you're one of those players who always tries to get into their beloved Scotch Mieses endgame (you know who you are) then I really have to say, please get some help. That endgame is in no way fun. You have a warped sense of enjoyment.

Italian Game, Giuoco Pianissimo:

Ah yes. The point of the Italian is to aim the Bishop at f7, and there are tons of Romantic attacking games with it and lovely gambits, so what do you do? Well you do what is logical, and play the single most boring and dreary e4 opening in existence! You probably suck the life out of every room you're in. Go crawl back to your hole with your KIA playing buddy.

Italian Game, Center Attack (and Evans Gambit):

Whether you play the Evans, the Moller, or just the main line Center Attack, you play this opening how it's supposed to be played. Of course most of them aren't objectively great, but who's really going to know that one 15 move refutation to the Moller Attack?

As it turns out, everybody. Better luck next time. At least you're sticking true to the spirit of the opening.

Ng5 Two Knights:

You're a menace to everyone trying to hold barbecues in the neighborhood, because every single time you pop up like a weasel and go around everywhere commenting on how lovely that fried liver smells. That's literally you. And even when everyone has long stopped cooking fried liver (playing the line with nxd5) you still continue to go around everywhere, thinking that maybe, just maybe, one person will start cooking fried liver again!

Max Lange Attack:

Fun fact the main line Max Lange is actually nearly busted for Black, so perhaps if you're playing this you've done some deep analysis and are actually playing the best moves?

Maybe 1% of you are, the rest just go "ooga booga", maybe learn about that one trap with Black playing Qf6, and fanatically end up pushing e5 even in completely different openings.

Ruy Lopez:

This is literally the Queen's Gambit but for e4 players. Everyone plays it so why not them? The only difference between a Queen's Gambit player and a Ruy Lopez player is that the Ruy Lopez players thought that moving the bishop out early was more pog when they first started playing chess. That's literally it. And I'm far too lazy to cover variations of the Ruy Lopez, it's the same people just doing different tricks to try and gain an advantage. I thought you'd know from all the recent movies that doing your own thing is always good!

Jerome Gambit:

NO WAIT IM SORRY I SAID THAT DOING YOUR OWN THING IS ALWAYS GOOD IT ISNT REALLY ALWAYS GOOD I WAS JUST KIDDING GO BACK TO YOUR RUY LOPEZ AGHHHHH WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!!

link to part two: https://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/opening-stereotypes-pt-2

(this is part 1 btw so don't ask me why there's no sicilian or french yet)

I burst out laughing lmao

you spend your time doing this

one question for kia why not play d4 and turn it into a reversed Grunfeld

What’s kia

kings indian attack

It looks doo doo

because no kia player does that they enjoy being disgusting trash

I enjoy being filthy trash yet I’ll still play d4 instead of 0-0 like any half-brained human

Big brain

indeed. like playing 1. Nh3

Wait add na3, giga chad

“Worse Danish Gambit. And Blackmar-Deimars are far less tasty than cheese danishes, as well. If you play this you're a psychological warfareist (yes that's a word now that I made it up) as the opponent is likely expecting to face yet another Queen's Gambit/Catalan player, but then he gets faced with e4!! Ooh! Scary!!!! Other than that though you're probably not too serious about improving at chess.”

🖕🖕🖕

hater

I like black mad diemee gambit 

😭

my worst fear 

How, I play tal variation and tarrach 

lol i should have written something about that

My b4 isn't there