Patzerian way of life.

After almost 9 months in this website, I have realized that the more you ignore about chess, the less likely you are to get depressed when finding stupid threads. This website is no different from real life, and it is a well-known fact that uncultivated people are the happiest.

So I have come to the conclusion that that, in order to avoid getting upset by them, I must join them. However, there is a still a problem. I know nothing about patzers. I could try to pretend I ignore everything about chess, but it would not be sincere. I need a way to forget about all the chess knowledge I have. I am looking for somebody to teach me how patzers live.

That is why I need professional help. I need a well-trained patzer to help me. I will not accept amateurs, you should only apply if you fulfill the requirements.

Also, I would not accept you as my patzer trainer if you knew anything about stalemate, castling or en-passant.

I don't fit in, I not only know about them but find them totally appropiate.

How much does the position pay?

30 Patzerdollars per lesson.

A true Patzer is one  who does know  the  rules ,history,and  how to play the game.  The problem with them is that they are very low- level playing ability,have been for  a long time,and most likely will remain so,despite their best efforts to improve. 

                                                                                          You cant be taught how to  become a Patzer. We are born into it,not created.   Aglitatta

You know if you are a patzer or not.

Great, I would like to apply for the job.

You should consider a titled Patzer

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/fun-with-chess/fide-to-create-new-titles

What the hell are those?

 I will teach you the ways of the patzers, my young padawan.

     I think "Patzer" is a title.

Ok Bilbo...a stalemate is a marriage over 7 yrs old, castling is vacationing in Ireland, and en-passant is a pastry from Paris.  Right?

for couch potatos.

I forgot to mention it, but I supposed it would be obvious: I also want to forget how to set up the board and the pieces properly

That's an extra 50 patzerdollars.  But I can accomodate you.  Fischer did it with 960 and I follow those setups. 

This was my most recent attempt. https://www.chess.com/daily/game/149909136

I, as The King of Patzers, was about to make you a business proposal, but unfortunately I know lots of things about stalemate, castling and en-passant.

Nah, patzer is a guy who thinks he is not a patzer and he thinks he is good and know some stuff. He can flag you in most painfull way and pretend he is better or he want it to be that way , big ego stuff also etc. He dont have any OTB rating or experience but claims he can win vs title players etc. :D

He want to be stronger but does not do anything about it..

Have you seen the thread about how to un-learn chess and become a patzer?

you could also unlearn how to put your pants on, that should be good.