/srs How do I improve my mentality and relationship with chess?

Hello, name's Flan. It's about some mental issues I've got, if you don't want to deal with problematic stuff just don't read. It's kind of a rant/vent post anyways.

For basically a couple months now, I literally just don't feel fun in chess anymore. Not as in "I don't like chess anymore", but as in I hate myself and lowering my self-worth everytime I play, just so I come back.

Here's how a day may go, I'm feeling nice and I play some blitz games, lose some, win some, but even then the games I win I feel neutral and meaningless, meanwhile the games I lose I start to get frustrated and furious about myself, like why did I miss such obvious tactics?

And then when you get into tilts, just like the rapid tilt I had recently which dropped me out of 2100, it starts to get mad. I'm not that type to smash things around my room around anger, I like to bottle the chess rage up, and it's getting overwhelming.

I don't think I've ever improved at chess, like ever. Even though the stats clearly show that I've improved (and a lot, according to some people, in the past year), I've never felt like I've improved. I think it's just luck whenever I win. My opponent hang pieces and I take it, what's the fuss? It's not like I won a hard-earned game or anything? But then when the same happen to me, blitz or rapid, oh god. I hate every ounce of my body for that.

I used chess to cope with depression and loneliness. Now, chess is giving me back depression, with every loss I get.

Quitting doesn't work. Taking a hiatus doesn't work. Making a secondary account to divorce myself from the rating? Also doesn't work, because it's not about the rating (well, it is), but it's more about the losses, and how I can't fathom every time I lose, how stupid I lose these games.

What the hell do I do now? Because chess is my identity, the sole one. I don't have much against chess, taking away chess from me is taking away a part of my soul. I want to feel fun in chess again, I want to actually feel good whenever I win, and feel fine whenever I lose.

That's it, have a nice day.

So either change your mentallity, or actually and fully quit enough to detach yourself from the game.