suicidal :-(I’m feeling suicidal
Quite likely there's someone available you can talk to : family, friend, clergy, medical professional or support line. Wish you well.
Do you really want to end your life, or do you want the pain to stop? I do believe there is life after death, but of course if there is no free will there, then this is your last bit of free will. It would land you in a situation -- maybe better, maybe worse -- that you have no control over.
Do you want to lose your comfortable spot? It's more important than you may think. The place that you consider the most comfortable -- you would lose it no matter if the attempt were successful or not. The only way to keep your situation stable is to hunker down. Sleep is the best cure. Food can help. All sorts of things can get you to sleep. You'll probably be immensely relieved not to have woken up on a lockdown ward.
If this is real, call 911 immediately. Do not hesitate.
We only have a few words to go on but this appears to be real.
@Klamm76 I hope you are safe. Avoid chess at least until you have made a full recovery and get professional help. We are just random guys on the Internet with very little context. There is not much we can do here, but there is real help out there. All the best.
Do you live in USA?
If so, please visit this website: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
There's a phone number you can call to talk to someone: 1-800-273-8255
There's also a 24hr free online chat.
Suicide is never the answer, but why are you saying this on a chess discussion forum? Definitely not the place, we don't really wanna know, most people are here to talk about chess, not discuss personal issues.