Top Ten Worst Ways to Promote Chess

One or more of the following celebrities would be appropriate spokesthings if you're looking for the worst ways to promote chess, obviously you should hire the worst excuses for human beings you can find (or afford):

Donald Trump - Paris Hilton - Roger Clemens - Barry Bonds - Ted Nugent - Justin Bieber - Sarah Palin - Michele Bachmann - Henry Kissinger - Carly Fiorina - Kim Jong un - Vladimir Putin - George Bush Jr - Lance Armstrong - Dick Cheney - Antonin Scalia - 

I'll think of some more after i get done throwing up

Are you kidding me? Curling is amazing.

I stand corrected.

omg lol, awesome.

Tbh ivanchuk would probably make a great cook with some know-how. He is probably the most creative GM of our time.

reckon this contest is a booby trap

Stage the World Chess Championship in some obscure, isolated... Now, wait a second...

You've got it all wrong. The worst human beings on the planet are Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Eric Holder, and anyone who advocates gun control.

Bahahahahhahaha. Oh man, that's good. Anyone who advocates gun.. ha, oh, wait, you're being serious. Err.. *awkward moment*

what a horrible thing to do.

The youtube video on 7. is hilariously entertaining!

"If you cross the board with your king do you win?"
"No if you can't move for 2 or 3 moves the game is over!"
"You mean it's a draw?"
"Yeah..." 

I can't decide which epiode is my favorite.  Possibly the second one.  Btw, is there no way to add youtube videos to forum posts?

For some reason I can't stop watching Chess Now, though I have to admit I've yet to make through an entire episode.  I'm currently staggering through episode 8 but running low on supplies. 

The prank calls are sometimes great.

1. North Korean nuclear missile launch. The missile is signed by North Korea's most eminent chess gradmaster. The only GM they have got.

2. Chess festival sponsored by Enron: chess teaches you to make more money.

3. The Moonies teach chess. Get mated and mate at the same time.

4. Hugh Heffner. Chess match between Hugh's latest playboy pin up girl and the hot tub chimp.

5. Grim Reaper chess coaching. Gain the DM title - you are Departed Master.

6. Lance Armstrong chess and cycling biathlon event. Free steroids provided.

7. Robbie Kneival does it for Evil. Leaps over 300 skyscraper high stacks of chessboards on a bike.

8. Freddie versus Jason. The chess match. The opening will surely be the chainsaw attack.

9. KISS chess simul. All pariticiants to wear KISS paint.

10. Chernobyl nuclear Cup. An atomic chess variant event with the prizes to be grams of plutonium.

I propose that this campaign be focused around unusual chess variants:

1. Atomic chess -already discussed.

2. Armageddon chess -already discussed.

3. Lightning chess -loser is electrocuted

4. Chess boxing -the worst of both worlds

5. Bullet chess on a luge -qualifies for the Winter Olympics, but is it really worth it?

6. Chess/staring contest -Mikhail Tal is the reigning world champ.

7. Bullet chess -in a more literal twist, this variant is only played by those with a death wish.

8. 3D chess -loved by Trekkies, hated by everyone else.

9. Chess/battleship. -Guess where your opponent's king is in this classic blend of luck and skill!

10. Suicide chess -a combination of chess and seppeku. Not advisable.

With a good marketing strategy featuring each of these variants, NORMAL chess is sure to profit greatly as everyone sees the flaws of playing anything else!

So far the winners IMHO are falcogrine and linuxblue1, but being a firm believer in persistency  here I go again:

Give "The Backyard Professor" his very own TV show! Check this out - he has the board set up korrectly (there's a white square on the bottom right) What more proof does anyone need of his expertise? 

And think of all the great guests he could have on his show to help promote "the game of kings" inc. widely respected and beloved GMs like Keene, Topalov, Matulovic and Susan Polgar...

Nimzoroy, I concede defeat.

That chess now episode beats all of my 10 suggestions.

After 10 seconds of her speaking I was thinking "is this a 0055 sex hotline show?"

Oh man. I've got to minute six where thta caller says that she can't work out with her nephew when a game ends. The caller thinks that it ends when your king gets to the other end of the board.

The Backyard Professor - it is unfair to even mention him here, now we all have no choice but to concede.