What is the poor man's play against 1. e4 g6 ?

I'm not interested in the theoretical best answer.

I have an anti- repertoire against almost all responses to 1. e4, like Caro-Kann and Fench I simply decline with 2. Nf3 and play the exchange variation, my anti-Sicilian is Smith-Morra, which at least is understandable and offers practical chances. I also decline the Berlin with d3 and play the most stable Ruy-Lopez structure if black allows the Ruy Lopez ( my favorite ).

The move I absolutely don't understand is 1. ... g6.

What are some logical ( if not optimal ) plans against this move? What structure should white take on that is foolproof.

I'm not going for an advantage for white. I can accept a slightly worse position if it is easy to understand.

I believe one reason that g6 does well against 1e4 players is the latter have their c pawn glued down at the start. I would go for the so called Averbakh pawn centre of c4/d4/e4 and play patiently and grab space/consolidate - sadly this doesn't lend itself to formulaic plan and requires the first player to play chess move by move.

Against the Pirc and the Modern the reasonable choice is to play the classical setup with d4 Nf3 Nc3 Be2 0-0. Still some knowledge of the resulting middlegame is required to achieve good results (centralizing blindly all the pieces with Be3 Qd2 Rad1 Rfe1 won't do it), but it gives quite a good position without any theoretical work, especially on move-orders.

Putting a pawn at c4 in the Modern is much sharper and gives Black a wide choice of weapons : the Averbakh proper (Nc6 and e5), various transpositions to the Benoni, the Pterodactyl, and so on...

Just look at the first game on the match Martin0 vs skotheim2.

Notation: 1. e4 g6

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/fun-with-chess/martin0-vs-skotheim2-match?lc=1#last_comment

The move that I fear is not d5, but moves like d6 and c5. I really don't see why black played d5 in the above game.

d5 is really difficult move to face, as black is trying to exchange his bad bishop early on.

d6 and c5 is easy to face, just play the Austrian attack.

I play it... This is the setup in which white seems to have a formiddable center and also one that I somehow always lose with white. One of the reasons I asked for advice.

I want to avoid this position at any cost.

then just don't play e4

2. Qf3 is the poor man's play. You could try 2. d4 or 2. f4 from a richer man's perspective.

If I were rich man, diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dum......

I wouldn't have to work hard , diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dum...

I always liked the quiet "noncritical" systems against the Pirc/ Modern. I have played both the Classical (Nf3, Nc3, Be2) system, as well as the Geller system (Nc3, Nge2, g3, Bg2) and I can't complain from the results.

I won't finish playing 1. e4 because of 1. ... g6.

The reason is simple: I hate this g6 move and the king's indian setup against any opening by white and with 1. d4 the likelihood that g6 and the king's indian setup will be played is higher than with 1. e4. Earlier my preferred move was indeed 1. d4, because I feared the Sicilian. Now that I have a detailed Smith-Morra plan that works for practically any try by black, I prefer 1. e4, because the most likely responses are 1. ... c5, 1. ... e5, 1. ... e6, 1. ... c6 in this order rather than 1. ... g6.

Still I would like to learn some trick against 1. ... g6, so that I don't feel lost when this move is played.

2.h4 then point ur pieces at the kingside.  

Interesting as it may seem, but I'm trying the same thing just on the a-file. Play a4, Na3, d3, Be2, Nf3. There is no immediate plan for black here, not easy to advance on the queenside. The problem is that I would like to play Nc4 and let the knight sit there in the middle of the board, but black has Be6 which is annoying.

Personally I like the h3 lines against the Modern.  

This is my current line:

Be6 is annoying here.

I really don't see the point of playing 1.e4 if you're going to play bad lines...

Keep in mind, the scholar's mate IS possible.

I don't play bullet. Even in blitz if I can, I avoid 3m+0s. Going for cheapos is for fast time controls. I dont't think that at my time controls there is a reasonable chance that my opponents would fall for something like this. Otherwise Qf3 as long term plan has never occured to me.

I play d4.