What it's really like being a female chess player.

How very philosophical of you to say so...  

I wish you wouldn't post in red....

Different OTB chess communities have different standards.  It really helps if there are several women in the community and if some of them are in positions of authority (TD, club director, high-ranked player).  I have been fortunate to have clubs where this kind of stuff was not tolerated.  The worst I've seen OTB is people blaming their loss on my gender, and I don't find that a problem if it's not reinforced by the rest of the group--which it definitely is not.

Online...there are a lot of places on chess.com which are just really unpleasant for women.  I learned fast to stay out of many forums, because a constant stream of "you're not really good, you'll never be good, all the attention paid to you is undeserved, why don't you go away?" is bad for morale.

As I have a title which gives away my gender, and I'm too cheap to forgo the free membership, I don't have the option of gender neutrality here.  What I do instead is block harassers on the first offense.  You talk dirt to me about being a woman, you never get to hear from me again.

However I think it's more difficult for younger women.  Being old is a partial solution--it doesn't get rid of disrespect-based harassment, but you're not treated as a sex toy anymore.

My best advice is to be very quick to dump anyone who treats you poorly, and that includes "well-meaning" advances after the first time you say No.  It is not actually nice or okay or well-meaning to keep hitting on someone who says No--we're often socialized to think it is, but this is bullshit.  What kind of person keeps pushing after they get a clear No?  A door to door salesman?  A street preacher?  In every other context we know this is lousy behavior.  It's also lousy behavior when it's someone hitting on you.

I don't understand, are you being sarcastic?

Not really that much going on philosophically speaking in this thread, some myths by both genders being perpetrated here in this topic and the rest is pretty obvious advice or cliches that people have heard thousands of times...

The irony is that I am a male and even I get harassed on chess.com by males who think I am a woman.. weird world.

I'm actually far more attractive in real life than people imagine me.

What a wonderfully honest post...  And again, spot on the mark, we mystical ladies are hawt today! 

I must add, as a female, who doesn't hide nor promote her gender.  I'm 100% in agreement with everything you said. 

However, I'd also say that I've had very little problem on here with sexual abuse from anyone.  I just stick to my own set of rules and nobody has bothered me thus far.  There are enough ways using chess.com privacy settings to prevent the unsavoury getting through.

If you want it, flaunt it.  If you don't, there are ways to prevent it. 

Everyone is. 

female chess players make more money because they get modelling fees

I think there are so many ways to remain anonymous and not get any attention on the internet.

I think if your going to post a profile pic of yourself, you have to be prepared for people to comment on the said pic with their opinions.

This goes for men as well as women, for some reason people on the internet like to point out your perceived flaws, and a lot of the time make fun of them to get a reaction from you.

One of the few times I posted a pic of myself as my avi, I had it taken down.    Says a lot that!

I have a theory about this--it's movies. I've watched lots of movies, mostly classics from the studio era of Hollywood, and stalking is a huge part of the romantic movies from those days and it continued into modern movies. It's weird because a lot of screenplays were written by female writers? Anyway, the whole, "don't give up, no means yes or at least maybe" kind of thinking is totally a feature of movies;)

Gosh, you've got a whole new topic of discussion right there Sharon...

I was racking my pea-brain for a few minutes there trying to work out why it would be taken down. (apart from it being too racy for chess.com, but I doubt that was the case) 

so yeah, I have no answer.

@ 'tigrrr and kimono: It is an interesting topic, I bet people have written about this before

I appreciate the many honest and interesting resposes.

I am trully very glad that many of you are honest and open about your gender.  I think it does good things for our community to have people like Babytigrr/tryst write prolifically in the forums as a women... its sets a tone that this is inclusive community.

I know this started as a lament. but in a ways this is becoming quite a positive thread.  women can be open about who they are, even online. 

I was showing the camera my broken nail on my middle finger.    All above board your honour!

Tell it to the Judge! 

I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of chess.com forums, with no parole!

... it's tough for us ladies too you know.  Particularly when you're almost 6 feet tall like I am.  But yeah, I may be hard to get!  But I'm pretty easy to spot! 

I wouldn't expect the man to do all the chasing.  If a women likes you, you would know.  Just try getting to know them first and be honest. 

I feel sorry that you have to go through these things (and I also feel sorry that I had to read your message in bright red for some reason). I absolutely do believe what you claim to happen. All I have to do is to go to some profile with a picture of a very attractive woman and to see the idiotic, pandering, pathetic notes you girls get. It's funny to actually click on the profiles of the guys who comment you and to see who their friends are on here. Almost every single one of their friends are profiles with pictures of attractive women.

Someone mentioned here about how these are losers with inflatable women as girlfriends in real life. I can believe. As a man, it pisses me off because these are the creeps who make it harder for me to find a mate (be it on online dating or even in the real world). As a human, it pisses me off because I think it's messed up that a person can't come here, play a good game of chess or two, and not have to be complimented on her looks for no other reason that she looks attractive according to some ideal or to have to put up with misogynistic bozos who feel ashamed that they lost to a woman.

thats true as well,  perv comments make it difficult to be sociable.  I am happily married and have no interest in flirting. but I do enjoy chatting (occasionally) in my chess games.  and when everyone has their suspended their chat, cause of insults- it lessons the experience somehow.

look at it  this way.  I'm an american, never been out of my country (except for a few times in nearby canada)- where else can I chat with people all over the world in a friendly game of chess?