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Why Chess Is Destroying America
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(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
“I'll be black.”
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
Chess is a popular game of chance played by people who fear human contact. It should not be confused with Checkers, a game known for being played by people significantly less intelligent than chess players. Chess was a popular pastime for centuries among prisoners, each of whom sought to topple their king the fastest and then dig their way out as soon as possible.
The game would have languished there if it hadn't been for American-Icelandic Grand Master Chessman Bobby Fischer. In 1972 he beat Boris Spassky and the Soviet Mafia in a thrilling series of games in Reykjavik. Who said the Americans could only play Fizzbin with emotional Vulcans!?
Historians agree that the game's name is widely held to be a derivation of "chest", and that the first games were played on diagrams carved around the nipples of dead bodies. They came to be referred to as "boards" for their stiffness. The smell and possible maggots might have made the game unpleasant, and it was considered difficult to play on the corpses of well-endowed females. So from the 15th century on only male cadavers were used.
Given its smelly origin, the game naturally acquired several French terms over time, the most well known of which is "checkmate", derived from "j'ec matte", meaning "I grope you" or "Surprise! You have been groped". This may refer to an endgame ritual of which French historian Tacitus IV wrote:
"A victor having been established by fair processes, that person does henceforth receive the liberty of fondling the hidden parts of the vanquished, who may at appropriate times reposition himself, saying 'I adjust', and who, when sufficient time is deemed to have elapsed, may demand that the victor desist forthwith, at which point the vanquished assumes the role of the victor, and vice versa, and so on."