Why I Lost At Chess Excuses (Canonical List)

Was working on this 17-20 yrs ago. guess this rascal had too much time on my hands (and lost at chess a lot) anyway... feel free to extend the list.

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• I was getting bored and decided to experiment with new openings.

• You were making such bad moves I assumed there was no way you could pull it off.

• You took so long to move, I started to doze.

• This game was nearly final and a necessary part of honing a revolutionary bulletproof new playing style.

• When you're as advanced as I am, losing is more effective than winning.

• This is just a slight variation from multiple parallel universes in which I won that game.

• In another lifetime, I won so many games it is now my karma to lose games to the kind of players I find so easy to beat.

• The point isn't whether I lost or not; it's whether I broke a sweat doing it.

• I was demonstrating how one can lose while exhibiting profoundly admirable grace and dignity.

• Some people give to charity; I lose games to help my underprivileged opponents.

• Rye mold in the sandwich I had for lunch gave me hallucinations and flatulence.

• The blunders my opponent made gave me insights into a quantum physics problem, and I was distracted by the revelation.

• With all the bad stuff happening in the world right now, if you're oblivious enough to win at chess, you're part of the problem.

• My goal is to get so good I can beat you in my sleep; just about there.

• You're remarkably easy to underestimate.

• If I didn't let YOU win, I knew you'd start crying and I didn't want the board to get damaged.

• Winning is too easy. Losing builds character.

• I was playing on my phone on the toilet and I dropped it. I know, it's a crappy excuse.

• Half of all chess games that don't end in a draw are lost. I'm just helping maintain balance in the universe.

• When I saw your endgame tactics, I laughed so hard my eyes welled up with tears and I couldn't see the board.

• I was showing you my Clark Kent style. Next time I play you, I'll take off my suit and glasses.

• My recent losses are merely the tide receding for my ensuing tsunami of wins.

• You only won because the [COMMENT DELETED] was [COMMENT DELETED] in the [COMMENT DELETED].

• You must not have been raised right if you feel smug about beating someone who had to answer the phone in the middle of a game.

• Your middle game was like a foul odor. I had to leave the room.

• Everyone kept saying I'd win easy, that I could beat you blindfolded. Fortunately for you, I don't let anyone tell me what to do.

• I lost by 1/2 a second because I was using an Apple Trackpad while eating a messy peanut butter and jelly sandwich. All you've proven is you can beat a peanut butter sandwich.

• I'm just lowering your expectations by losing now to see the stunned look on your face when I start playing seriously.

• Beating you is like stealing candy from a baby. I'm just not the kind of person who would do something like that.

• Chess is just a game. Wait until you see who wins in the lawsuit I'm filing against you for defamation of character.

• I really just came here for a coffee and a scone. If you need the win that badly, take it.

• You think you're great right now because that's exactly what I want you to think.

• I just wanted you to finally know what winning feels like.

• Oh, sure, you beat me. Good luck with my alter ego.

• I wasn't really up to playing, but you looked so bored and lonely I showed you some compassion.

• When I dress casually, I play casually. If you ever see me wearing a tuxedo, run.

• Please shower next time. This is chess, not chemical warfare.

• I didn't come here to play intelligent chess. I came here to exercise my forearm with repetitive movements.

• If you actually played as well as you think you do, you could beat someone much better than me.

• Oh, sure, you beat me once. But you can't beat me 200 times in a row without a break.

• Even a broken clock is right twice a day, so I know you want to play me again in 12 hours.

• How I rationalize my loss is of no concern. You should be more worried about how you rationalize your win.

• I was thrown because something was different this game. I thought maybe you showered, but you merely changed your socks.

• I couldn't help but contemplate the engineering designs for the next-generation space telescope. I found it much more engaging than your game.

• Your grotesque facial expressions while you were thinking derailed my focus.

• I bet a fortune on you winning, though the odds were heavily in my favor. Now I'm rich!

• My girlfriend stopped by in the middle of the game and...

• There's a certain poetry to your moves. Nursery rhymes, actually. Anyway, very distracting.

• This was just an experiment to see if I would think more highly of you if you won. Nope.

• It's too easy to take satisfaction in winning; losing is where we really shine as human beings.

• I was merely looking for an opportunity to exercise my sage-like honesty about losing.

• We sometimes lose when we play others. But when we play with ourselves, we win every time!

• You are developing ego problems by winning. I am cultivating wisdom by losing.

• You have to work on humility. I get to live it.

• It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you blunder during the game.

• You haven't really lost anything worthwhile until you lose the attitude.

• Chess wins are alluring, but rooks aren't everything.

• You beating me at chess is like getting a drunk to laugh at your jokes.

• I lost because:

A - By predicting your win, my psychic resumé grows more impressive.

B - I play very well, considering my apathy about studying the game.

C - Like Loki stole Thor's thunder, I stole your blunder.

D - My grace about losing is the most important victory.

E - None of the above.

F - All of the above.

G - Some of the above.

H - Most of the above and a couple of others not shown here.

I - None of the above, the sequel.

J - None of the below.

K - Definitely not this one.

L - Or this one.

M - Maybe this one.

N - Nope.

O - Shut up, this is pointless.

P - No, you shut up.

Q - Want to grab something to eat?

R - Sure. You fly, I'll buy.

S - Cool. Let's go.

• I'm writing a paper on how even the worst players win sometimes. I needed an example.

• I'm drunk, having just run a marathon after doing a 72-hour intern shift for my M.D. degree, but if you want to pat yourself on the back for the win, go ahead.

• This is absolutely the last time I get talked into playing someone with bad breath.

• Nothing about your playing was decisive. My single mistake was. Lucky for you, it trounced the dozens of mistakes you made.

• You won on a technical error; I won in terms of brilliant play.

• The timeless beauty of the game I played cannot be properly contained in the ephemeral nature of the chess clock.

• I was just testing new ways to manipulate you into setting me up with successful tactics, and you fell for it every time.

• I was worried you were going to vomit on me the whole game. It made it impossible to concentrate.

• My game was very bold, spirited, and animated. Your game was tedious and plodding. People like you are the reason chess will never be in the Olympics nor have matches televised.

• Your dad paid me to throw the game.

• You didn't lose as expected. Space-time anomalies are suspect.

• Losing chess is how I cajole people to invest in my timeshare properties.

• Chess isn't my game. But since I've mastered just about everything else, I decided it's time once again to start at the bottom. That's when I was referred to you.

• One of the stupid moves you made reminded me of that time another opponent blundered in exactly the same way and then punched me in the face. I was afraid you might get violent.

• Oh sure, laugh all you want. Just know I'm suing you for psychological distress.

• The chess engine my opponent was cheating with was better than the chess engine I was cheating with.

• Oh, this isn't America's Biggest Loser? Next building over?

• I don't know what happened. They said I could move the little horsey piece to that square or that one or that one. So I'm just going eenie, meenie, miney, mo, and the next thing I know they told me I'd lost.

• I play chess neither for winning nor losing, but for the philosophical beauty of the game.

• I lost because I wasn't looking at the board; I was playing it in my head. Pretty sure you said I was playing the other color.

• My only goal when playing is to see how close I could get to having all my pieces arranged into a diamond shape before the game ends.

• I always keep an extra pawn up my sleeve for just such contingencies, but unfortunately, I was unable to find an opportunity to use it.

• I know you're sensitive about losing and I wanted to avoid an international incident.

• I don't need an excuse. I can lose if I want to!

• I lost because I'm actually a time traveler here from the future. By losing this game, I prevented a major calamity in the 22nd century and ensured eons of peace on Earth. Thank you for your cooperation.

• I lost because I'm practicing humility and tolerance for when I lose arguments with my wife (which is always).

• Losing well is a spiritual discipline; my real goal is to become a saint.

• Winning and losing are both sides of the same coin; thus, the distinction between my game and a win is an illusion.

• Is it that I "lost"? Or is it, in reality, more that you didn't happen to lose this time?

• Don't laugh; great humorists must first master the pratfall. Until I can do that in every station of life, I will never be able to fulfill my destiny.

• Then all you have to do is find someone who plays worse than you and you can be truly amazing.

• Quantum physics tells us it is fully conceivable all the pieces could have changed into other pieces under the perfect conditions.

• That is without a doubt what happened during our game. I detected it when the rook passed over the same square twice.

• If you want to win with cheap stunt setups, go ahead. I'm above that.

• I lost because you didn't provide a compelling enough reason for me to win.

• Losing activates my superpowers.

• I'm going for the Guinness Book of World Records – Longest Sustained Protracted String of Blunders in a Chess Game category.

• Unlike you, I am not shallow. Winning means nothing to me, for I know it is transitory at best.

• You kept staring at my chest. It made me feel really uncomfortable about not wearing a shirt.

• Someone was microwaving pizza. I can't think about anything else when I smell pizza.

• When I don't win or draw, I lose. I don't deny that. Obviously, I was raised right.

• My opponent stunk of alcohol and marijuana and I got a contact high. Pieces were melting and dancing; one even went so far as to teach physics to my dog, and I don't have a dog.

• I lost because my inner child likes to play sometimes, and it isn't appropriate to demonize losing to an inner child.

• The Beatles said all you need is love. Turns out all you need are skills.

• A rip occurred in the fabric of time and space, which disrupted the game. It's very difficult to concentrate when space-time is ripped.

• My opponent was using his mind to control the board. My moves were forced by an unseen energy. Government agents will be investigating my opponent soon.

• You know what they say: lose at chess, win at love.

• "Lose" is not in my vocabulary. So, no, I can't really say I lost.

• If you need someone else to lose so you can feel like a winner, wouldn't that make you the real loser? And that's okay—it doesn't make me feel superior.

'The magnetic pull of your sheer desperation was warping the board and making my pieces slide onto the wrong squares.'