Why is 1. e4 actually so hard to play against?!

Against 1.e4 the most solid opening is 1.c6.

Get a whiff of https://chessskill.blogspot.com/2011/01/french-perfume.html

1. e4 tends towards very varied sharp positions. It sounds like you do well in solid positions, so maybe look up the "The Lion" formation (kind of like the Old Indian or Philidor Defence Hanham variation). That mostly puts paid to sharp deviations. I hate playing against it as a 1. e4 player so my repertoire is aimed at avoiding it. For example I go for the King's Gambit and reply to 1. e4, d6 with 2. Nc3 not 2. d4.

Play French vs. e4.

That's nearly the least solid. It only seems solid when white doesn't really know it or insists on playing the Advance Variation, which isn't very good. The French is solid, not the Caro. 1. e5 is solid, The Centre Counter is ok. Alekhine's is not solid and neither is the Pirc. As black I want to win, so I play the Sicilian but the French also is very aggressive. The caro is neither solid nor aggressive. That's an opening where black curls up and hopes white overcommits.

The main line scores better than the next two, but our local genius says it “isn’t very good”. I’ve played the classical against the Caro-Kann for decades, but switched to the advance a little more than a year ago. I get Black into uncomfortable an unfamiliar positions far more often with this subpar choice.

I think I hate it when someone plays sicilian against e4

What's wrong with 1...e5?

Join Europa chess group

good

If you just want something easy but don't care about getting better, at least this is what I've read...

Try Sicilian Dragon

I suggest finding a GM who's style is kind of like yours, in a general sense and look over his games. Usually e5 and c5 are the most common, but some do play d5 and some club players do like the pawn structure from the Scandinavian.

I'm not very good but I have come to understand that knowing pawn structure and knowing what you are trying to achieve with it is instrumental in improving in chess.

The Sicilian is the most effective opening against 1.e4; but there are so many lines to play and learn.

I try to play the a3 response to get Sicilian Gambit; it can be strong if opponent isn't ready:

I recommend vs. 1.e4 to play the Caro Kann before learning the complex Sicilian. The CK is easy to learn, flexible and very good at controlling the center. There are 3 main variations, the Advanced, the Exchange and the Classical. You can pick up the basics quickly and have a better defensive weapon until you are good enough to unleash the Sicilian.

Scililian becausevit frees the queen,prevents d4 which controls the center and the opponent cantpkay e5 because f6 controls center

I am actually surprised how rarely the Sicilian occurs in my games. I favour the Caro-Kann when playing Black and so do quite a lot of opponents, when I play White.

I just love this "I cannot find it, so it doesn't exist" mentality.

Chess knowledge comes via study, not inspiration.