A Competition - of Sorts

If this wasn't a textbook trolling text - I would advise someone to copy and paste it to MS Word, to reduce the size to 12, to "unbold" and to put everything in black - EXCEPT for the paragraph on the bees - as the link that follows it is central to the post. 

I don't have to remind you of this, do I? :-)

Or do you think that someone else will outSolsky the Solsky??

OK. OK. But please, how many paragraphs is your post?

Quite a number... you care to count? :-)

I stopped counting at 50.

Okay, you win. Glad to announce LEVEL 10 TROLL SOLSKYTZ!

Leans back in terror: has the moment that I will be deposed finally come? 

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!

This is so great!!!

Would you be kind enough as to announce it at the NOTES section of the TrollU University group?

BTW - I can't seem to go to that page, unless somebody has recently posted there. What's the direct link?

And if you are to be deposed, I'm not the man to do it. 

I have no trolling ambitions, and am perfectly content of a level ten status. 

As you are a level eleven, there is no danger. 

I'm also not going to overtake your bullet rating... :-)

I loved the part that I pasted below!

YES!! I am a genuine troll !!!

SOLSKYTZ, wonderful trolling job! 

I, as a TROLLU level 13, nominate you as TROLL LEVEL 6 from now on!

So – back to the main idea – the poor donkey, or reader (and no parenthesis this time!) went to the river, or to the thread, to drink, or to read, water, or a post – and was then intercepted, against his will mind you – by a crocodile, or a troll – and let them be as kind, as funny-in-their-own-eyes (except Marco, who is a GENUINELY funny troll – but I’m very hard pressed to think of any other example – and I mean it brothers!! – Wait – Macer75 has his moments too, and even the eventual winner of the best Troll contest – Robert New Alekhine – also manages to make one smile, more than he would had he actually been the donkey meeting his fate between the teeth of that crocodile. By the way – how would you produce toothpicks for a crocodile? And then, how would you help the crocodile to use them? And another by the way – did you know that it’s pretty easy to keep a crocodile’s mouth shut? You just press on it on top (you need some 30-40 kg of force to do so) and it can’t open its mouth!!

<MarcoBR444> while I do appreciate the honor and the nomination, I would much rather take the official LEVEL 10 nomination, bestowed upon me from the one and only TrollU University!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njmfGTMXvvY

And may my tips on how to handle a real (again!) hungry crocodile serve all those in need!

OK, let's think about this. I think you deserve the level 10, but I want to see a few more posts... and... Your vote in this thread (LOL):

https://www.chess.com/forum/view/off-topic/a-poll-about-something?lc=1#last_comment

<MarcoBR444> I would definitely vote for you - but I would ALSO vote for Alekhine - so what's the point, right? :-)

I don't know about more posts... I wanted this to be rather an HONORARY level, not an actual occupation. Just a taste to show that I could if I wanted.

(that's what my highschool teachers always used to say!)

No. 

Dear Bob – or Robert – or maybe Bobby? But you probably prefer Alexander, or NEW Alexander – or should I say, like the French would, New ALEXANDRE…

But wait – Dear Alexandre, or maybe it’s actually Cher Alexandre, as we’re now talking in French….

You know that Alexandre became at some point a citizen, or at least a resident, of France….

If he wasn’t, he certainly should have – many rich, wealthy or well-to-do Russians did actually make France their home.

You go to the South of France, for example, you find perfect Russian Orthodox Churches in Nice.

How’s that for a beauty?

That one used to be pretty near my own house back when I used to live in France.

I would walk by it day in and day out – above all, when taking my daughter to the crèche (A crèche is a pre-school for people too young to go to Kindergarten in France – typically aged from zero (but probably not ACTUALLY including zero) to thirty-six (thirty-six) months – and admire its ravishing and unparallelled glorious and lavish beauty.

So yes – these rich Russian people of the early 20th Century had riches.

They had money.

They could spend.

So they would spend on cathedrals and nice houses.

Which is, basically, the reason I’m saying that even if your namesake, Alekhine, didn’t ACTUALLY live in France, life in France should at least have presented an option for him.

So – Cher Alexandre –

Comment je vais commencer ce sujet maintenant? Comment repondre a ton dernier message ?

Je sent, tout en premièr, qui ton but est tres disruptive de ce site.

Regarde – on recoit un site si bon, si riche, si plein d’attractions pour tout le monde – et en lieu de remercier les gents qui le gerent, les gents qui s’occupent de la sante, de la securite, meme de la sante mental de ce mervellieux site – en lieu de les remercier, de les envoyers des fleurs, des boites au chocolat, des bons vœux – on publie un appel a la resistance ?

Quel manque de gratitude !! Et regard, comme sont-ils tolerants, de ne pas te dir d’aller au diable !!

Oh – I might have gotten slightly carried away there, my dear Alexandre – as I’m not sure that in your current incarnation you actually speak the language of the French – that is to say, simply – French.

So back to English it is, and perhaps I should, before properly opening this post, tell you that I feel myself privileged to be part of the TrollU University crowd – even though I’m not a troll and not even a trolling student – maybe an honorable member?

I’m really proud and happy, and thank the Lord and my two REAL parents for every day in which I can breathe this blessed air and follow the adventures and mishaps of those who make Trolling on chess.com a reality – or at least, those who celebrate it as it should be.

So – as part of this Godly group, I have been following, not only you, but certainly several other talented and capable members of the crowd. I have come to know with great intimacy the inner workings of a troll – of the troll’s mind, of his way of thinking, of everything and anything that can or could contribute to what is later only seen by the public at large – the results of Trolling, tragic as they may be.

It is, indeed, a most rare privilege, to be able to follow so closely, and to such a great extent, such a group of amazingly capable posters, each one with his own quirks of characters, each one idiosyncratic in his own unique, particular and no doubt half-demented way –

To learn about these variations of characters, and to be able to follow that miraculous, inexplicable process of how such wonderfully variegated minds, revealed through their open, sincere discussion within the entrails (I allow myself to express my thinking thus), those secret ways and passages, the hidden forums and courses of the TrollU University itself – how these minds later translate each and every sore spot in their Trolly being, into each of their respectively unique brands of highly personalized Trolling.

(we are still in the introduction to the post, in case you are losing your bearings – but bear on with me (or rather, more correctly – bear with me. Here we don’t just correct mistakes in English – we make sure that they STAY corrected) – it does become much more interesting later – much like that thread that I really like here at chess.com – “Could a 1300 player beat a 2700 player” – in which we have advanced and lately even proven that such an event could indeed happen, probably once in every 10 ^ 140 games (that’s quite a big number, admitted – but no reason to despair – practice makes perfect) unless that 2700 player catches something he shouldn’t – such as a brain stroke, or an airplane crashing on his head with all 270 passengers (and what model of an airplane would that be? But we’re digressing, and we definitely don’t want that – not here, not on this thread, not on this website, and not in this, the glorious and wondrous Internet, O great invention of mankind!!)

To make a long story slightly – but only slightly longer then (the story is ABOUT to start, of course, I’m almost halfway through the introduction), as I have indeed been privileged enough to enjoy the obvious benefits, such as nobody would ever need to explain, delineate or otherwise describe, of being part, or should I say “part and parcel” – no – I shouldn’t. Let’s go back to that – as I have indeed been privileged enough to enjoy the obvious benefits, such as nobody would ever need to explain, delineate or otherwise describe, of being part (so NO part and parcel, you see? Only part) of this unbelievable group, and to have inside access – indeed, the access of a veritable insider!! – if not an ACTUAL participating member – in the group, mon cher Alexandre, and to your OWN way of thinking – at times noble, at times abrupt and slightly harsh, but always creative and disruptive of every deserving thread (in your opinion) at chess.com –

I cannot help but stand at awe at the quantity of knowledge and ability, of know-how and yet of such incredible generosity, of sharing your hard-earned (I suppose) teachings in the intricacies of Trolling to other willing members – and through them, to the rest of the community – which would be most justly and aptly named, to the rest of the unwilling community – as such, alas, is the character, the quality of trolling – that it tends to impose itself upon the unsuspecting, unwilling reader – innocent as he was, he only wanted to visit a normal chess.com thread (and due exception is made to Marco, whose claim, that in anything of chess there is perforce something of trolling! That claim does have some validity which I am not going, at least in this post, to contest – lest the post becomes too long before it is even properly started!) – so the innocent (or not so innocent –but that’s already between him and God, and who am I to judge the workings of Man?) chess.com visitor goes to that thread, wanting only to read something of interest, of value – and yes, some entertainment content as well, no doubt – much like a peaceful donkey who goes down to the river to have a much needed drink of water, in a hot day, say, in the African Savana (or is the savanna even in Africa? And thank you Word spellchecker for correcting my second iteration of the word, even if it ignored the first – alas, not even spellcheckers are perfect these days – and so what should we, the simple poster and his followers, say?).

The poor donkey, or reader (and no comparison between the two is by any means implied or intended, note well – except as regards the fact of being innocently drawn to a place for a perfectly innocent, even legitimate, purpose – only to be viciously or otherwise subverted as to the actual outcome of that visit) – went to the river, or to the thread, to drink, or to read, water, or a post (are you still following this? If you do, then please write me back and explain to me what’s in it – because frankly, I have no idea!!) – only in order to be intercepted (or intercepted – you see, this one does not differ between the poor donkey, and the poor retard)- Oh wait. Did I say retard? Oh, I’m so sorry – I meant READER.

I really meant it!!

Serious!!

I don’t think you guys are retards!!

Not even for following this proper introduction to a post.

So – back to the main idea – the poor donkey, or reader (and no parenthesis this time!) went to the river, or to the thread, to drink, or to read, water, or a post – and was then intercepted, against his will mind you – by a crocodile, or a troll – and let them be as kind, as funny-in-their-own-eyes (except Marco, who is a GENUINELY funny troll – but I’m very hard pressed to think of any other example – and I mean it brothers!! – Wait – Macer75 has his moments too, and even the eventual winner of the best Troll contest – Robert New Alekhine – also manages to make one smile, more than he would had he actually been the donkey meeting his fate between the teeth of that crocodile. By the way – how would you produce toothpicks for a crocodile? And then, how would you help the crocodile to use them? And another by the way – did you know that it’s pretty easy to keep a crocodile’s mouth shut? You just press on it on top (you need some 30-40 kg of force to do so) and it can’t open its mouth!!

(continued parenthesis – on the other hand, if that mouth is already closed – for example with your leg inside it – it would take 1500 kg of force to force it open – or you could just poke it in the eye – no kidding here – this actually works, and I encourage you in every possible way to try that next time you are being eaten by such a monster!! And I wouldn’t wish it to any of my friends).

So where was I?

Let’s go back a little –

I was saying the following: (imagine quotation marks here – it’s not that I don’t have quotation marks on my keyboard, it’s more like I’m not THAT inclined to use them when writing THIS TYPE of a post – so once we’re done with this step of clarification – actually of SLIGHT clarification, because there wasn’t actually THAT much to clarify – and many readers would readily pardon me this lack of quotation marks even if I hadn’t provided a proper apology and elucidation of the fact that such is missing – we can go back to what I was ACTUALLY saying – but maybe the fact of going back to what I was saying deserves a new paragraph – as this present paragraph has outgrown its necessity, and may become even a bit too long if it continues like that, stating that I would pass to the next paragraph, but without ACTUALLY passing to that paragraph, that we call the next (again without quotation marks), for want of a better term) - 

I WAS INDEED saying the following:

the poor donkey, or reader (is it moral to use parenthesis when you are consciously avoiding quotation marks?) went to the river, or to the thread, to drink, or to read, water, or a post – and was then intercepted, against his will mind you – by a crocodile, or a troll – and at that point, said crocodile, or troll, actually foists their own will, impose themselves on that poor reader, or donkey.

But such a line of thinking would rather tend to bring us, I’m afraid, and that rather prematurely I should say, to the BODY of this message – and so, just in order to properly complete this introduction (you didn’t think that I would actually reach that moment, did you?), I would definitely reiterate and say here at this point in time, that –

I cannot help but stand at awe at the quantity of knowledge and ability, of know-how and yet of such incredible generosity, of sharing your hard-earned (I suppose) teachings in the intricacies of Trolling to other willing members – and through them, to the rest of the community, unwilling as it most definitely is.

However, all of this awe, admiration, appreciation, even idol-worship as I must certainly feel at the pit of my stomach, to every worthy troll, especially those above that exalted class, that legendary, oft-spoken of class ten of trolls – to which you, my most worthy friend and foe, the great ALEKHINE of the present – does belong at your own no doubt worthy proclamation – would not prevent me from saying certain things to you, my dear Robert – things that should have been said to you a long, long while ago – and quite possibly, by the very same mods, to whom you seem to so heatedly, so FERVENTLY object.

Let me be a voice for such mods, let me allow them to have their deepest beliefs expressed through the modest means of your humble interlocutor.

I will dedicate this post, which is about to start, to such hard-working mods as relentlessly and, as I know you feel, totally undeservedly, periodically clean up the site from such perceived trash (no quotation marks here – and you will have to decide for yourself, for your true self (see what I did here? Another rather twisted take on "my true parents"...) whether this is done intentionally, because I really feel that they are not needed – or simply as part of my general policy of not using quotation marks in this post) – to the hours they invest, to the no doubt low wages (if at all!) which they receive (IF at all).

It is to you, simple mod (but by no means simple minded!), that I dedicate this post – and here is most probably the most fitting place and moment to actually terminate and conclude the introduction thereto, and properly start it.

So, mon cher Alexandre, my dear Robert, the great self-heralded new Alekhine, lend me your ears.

I come to praise the mods, not to bury them.

(<Ziryab> I hope you follow this thread too – as your wish to see Shakespeare appear, even in a slightly distorted form, in one of these monkey-ish threads has apparently just come true!!)

Those mods, to whom you so fiercely object, with whom you have such a patently hopeless, with such low chances of actually working out or getting someplace except you being banned or shushed (I said shush!), war of quills (electronic quills, or the equivalent of such) – are the lifeblood, the very essence of this website!

HOW DARE YOU try to detract from their so valuable contribution to everything we hold dear, to everything we cherish on these pages?

For without them? What is chess.com?

A few chess gamez?

Some analysis?

Some denigration of posters’ respective characters by such eminencies as his highness, <IM Pfren>?

What is left for us without the mods?

No – we should glorify the mods.

We should thank the lord for them – AND our true parents.

We should EMBRACE them.

We should follow everything they say to the letter.

We should send them gifts on Christmas and on Easter – no matter if we are of the Jewish, Muslim or Hindu faith.

I want to hear no evil spoken of the mods in these pages. No underhanded attempt at subverting their intentions of keeping chess.com the way chess.com should be – free and clean of trolls and their outlandishly outrageous behavior and philosophy.

The hard-working mod is sweating after his day of toil. He is out of breath. He cannot speak up and defend himself.

Let me be the light at the end of the tunnel, the torch that shows the way, the beacon of sanity and of good sense in this quagmire, this veritable marsh of trolls

(as opposed to March of the Trolls – a worthy piano piece in itself, by Edvard Grieg - the Carlsen of Norweigian music in the 19th Century) –

- and let me defend the right of the simple mod, to be heard, to be listened to, to be respected – and in short, to be.

Let them be!

Let the mods be!!

Let them breathe the fresh air of a beautiful summer day.

Let them enjoy a stroll in a field full of flowers, grass and bees.

Of course – with bees.

But the valiant mod will come out of it unscathed. He will not be stung – for the mod is of such a wholesome character, that no villain creature, be it man or animal – not even a troll – would harm a hair of his (or her) body. Yellow is for bees!!!

Let us join those who daily bless the mods.

Let this be a prayer to the continued good health of mods, wherever they are,

And I say –

Amen.

That’s it.

(you didn't think it would be so short, right?

(but that's me - I like to express myself in a succinct, summary way,

(or as some would say – short and to the point.

(Yeah, that’s me. That’s just me – me and no other; me and not a messenger…

).

[Logozar - I did 12 point and unbolded except rebolded the part on the bees] 

I want underline again the lovely part below. YESSSSSS!!!!

So – back to the main idea – the poor donkey, or reader (and no parenthesis this time!) went to the river, or to the thread, to drink, or to read, water, or a post – and was then intercepted, against his will mind you – by a crocodile, or a troll – and let them be as kind, as funny-in-their-own-eyes (except Marco, who is a GENUINELY funny troll) 

<Logozar>

The post actually looks LONGER like that...

(the bees asked me to write this in yellow).

A bunch of stuff has happened.(Captain Obvious and some bees told me to write it in black.)

Absolutely right. Now my class should be upgraded to eleven, because of a bit of inflation that took place since the momentous events described in this memorable thread.

Wow, 77 paragraphs!

I thought it was 80... :-)

I might have miscounted.