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Hello, Magnus
It has come to my attention that you have yet to meet a challenger who can be considered your equal - that you have never met someone who could quench your boundless thirst for exciting matches and hard-earned victories.
Fear not, Magnus, because you have yet to face me. I, gustaf_er_nice, have acquired an unofficiel blitzchess elo of over 1600 and consider myself more than a match for you. I have trained through blood, sweat and tears for several years in order to amass the sheer amount of skill that I possess today and I am afraid that not even you can realistically beat me.
But humble as I am, I am willing to put my hypothesis(of being unbeatable) to the test. I, gustaf_er_nice, challenge you to play against me in a match that can only be described as the greatest chess-match in history.
Declining or failing to respond to this message will be treated as an automatic surrender on your behalf and the entirety of chess.com forums will bear witness to this.
I shall be waiting.
Sincerely, gustaf_er_nice