Be off topic! Relax and have fun! Share some jokes or somethin......

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Puppernes

Have something u wanna say? Welp say it all here! 

Post all the fun here!! I don't wanna miss any of it!

m_connors
NobleGopher wrote:

Have something u wanna say? Welp say it all here! 

Post all the fun here!! I don't wanna miss any of it!

A woman brought her very limp duck into a veterinary office, laying the duck on the table, she asked, “Is there anything you can do?” The vet pulled out his stethoscope and after listening to the bird's chest for a moment and said sadly, "I'm very sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, quite dead, I’ afraid,"

"How can you be so sure?" she pleaded. "I mean, you haven't done any real testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

Rolling his eyes and with a sigh the vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. The duck's owner looked on in amazement as the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. When finished the dog looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. “Woof.”

Petting the dog on the head, they left the room. The vet then returned with a calico cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird, then sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly then strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your duck is definitely, 100% certifiably, dead. He is literally a dead duck!”

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced his bill, that he gave to the woman.

Still in shock, she stared at the bill, "$1,500!" $1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "Well, I'm sorry for your loss, but if you had just taken my word for it in the first place, the bill would have been just $20. But you insisted on additional testing and with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

m_connors

And then there's this: an “oldie but goodie” with many variations. It’s only a joke with no basis in fact.

A US Carrier group identifies a radar contact ahead of the group and is about to request it to alter course when it receives a request from the contact for the group to alter its course by 15 degrees to avoid collision.

“Unidentified contact, this is A-385, please adjust your course by 15 degrees South to avoid collision. You are heading straight for us, distance 24 nautical miles. Over”

“A-385 we advise you to adjust your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision. Over”

“Negative, negative. Repeat imperative you adjust your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.”

“This is the Captain James F Marshall of the United States Carrier Group Enterprise. We insist you adjust your course, sir.”

“US Carrier Group, we do not consider this possible. We cannot adjust anything. Please you must alter course for your own safety.”

“A-385, I say again this is Carrier Group Enterprise. Aircraft carrier being supported by 6 destroyers, 5 cruisers and several other auxiliary support vessels and warships. We are enroute for naval manoeuvres. We are the second largest carrier group in the US Navy. In the world.

We will not alter course for such a small contact. I no longer suggest, I order you to adjust your course by 15 degrees. Failure to do so may result in us taking appropriate measures to guarantee the safety and security of the Carrier Group. Obey my orders, sir, immediately and get out of our way!”

After a brief pause, A-385 replied, “Understood captain. This is Juan Manual Salaas. We are only two people. Currently being escorted by our dog, two cats, some food and beer, and a canary currently asleep. We are not going anywhere. We are talking to you from dry land. More specifically, from Lighthouse A-385 on Galina Island. I have no idea where we rate in size compared to other light houses.

You may take whatever appropriate actions you feel necessary to guarantee your fleet’s safety which is about to smash itself on the rocks around the island. So, I say again, we suggest your healthiest and most recommended course of action is to divert 15 degrees south to avoid colliding with us. Out!”

BirdWing435
Radom spam 101
Fukfscdkkhdfhighjrkjghfjkfjvggcuuyh
BirdWing435
Boyfitstudrubvfy
BirdWing435
I just joined the golden club and I ended up getting a diamond membership for my birthday and I had a great time with my friends and I ended up going to the golden state state game on the tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament and I ended up going to the golden state tournament and in the golden state tournament tournament and in the golden state tournament tournament and in the golden state tournament tournament and in the golden state tournament the golden state tournament and the golden state state tournament and the tournament tournament is going to the golden state state game
Puppernes

Mhm....

ChessSensasian
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
Puppernes

i don't get that sorry.... ∆_∆

m_connors

dyslexic mix bra for bar . . .

m_connors

Visual comedy . . .

Puppernes

Oh wow....!!! Lol! 

KingAxelson

According to Oxford Dictionaries palindrome is defined as “a word, phrase, or sequence that reads the same backward as forward.” Today is the day unlike any other. The reason behind this day being special is that it's a rare palindrome date which is taking place after almost 900 years.Feb 2, 2020

KingAxelson

the_chess_zebra

Little Johnny is playing with his trains.  He then says, "Toot! Toot!  Attention all passengers.  The train has arrived.  Please prepare to disembark and don't forget your flaming luggage!"  Johnny's mother overhears him and comes into the living room.  "Johnny!  Suck awful language!  You go to your room, young man, and don't come back downstairs for 2 hours."

Johnny goes upstairs to his room and pouts for 2 hours.  Then he comes back downstairs and plays wit h his trains again.  He says, "Toot!  Toot!  The train is about to depart.  There has been a 2 hour delay.  Please direct your complaints to the witch in the kitchen!"

 

Puppernes

LOL! Love that one!

Puppernes

That one actually made me laugh!   

ChessSensasian

MugOfAllTrades

I can’t think of anything funny , my brain is somewhat flat at the moment. I need to plug it in, and have it charge for like 6-7 hours 

Puppernes

Lol!!! 😂😂😂😂