Captain's Blog

Ahoy shipmate!

First of all, for the sake of clarity and honesty I should state that I'm a Pastafarian. This entails two, core beliefs:

1) God is an invisible, undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster that lives in the sky. FSM created the universe, after a heavy bout of drinking, in 5 days (monday was spent nursing the hangover). Here is pictorial evidence of Her divine creation, which constitutes incontrovertible proof:

2) The steady and relentless rise in average global temperatures over the past 200 years is inversely proportional to a global decline in the number of pirates across the same time-frame. I provide statistical (yes friends, scientific) data, which is also incontrovertible:

In view of these beliefs, each of the following is considered a religious act:

- Drinking rum. Or any grog of your choosing (no, not bourbon, only Americans drink bourbon and look what's happened to them*).

* Note to our American cousins: this is an example of British humour, we think you're great really and you can drink whatever you like. We'd really appreciate it though if you'd stop bombing the bejesus out of everyone, chin-chin!

- Sailing under the stars (if only in one's imagination), and gazing at them dreamily for long periods whenever possible. Brothers, sisters, you will find this experience far more rewarding than the idle contemplation of your own navel.

- Enjoying the company of wenches. Ninjas don't have these.

- Engaging in acts of piracy. This *might* include subjecting scatter-brained mystics, crackpot fundamentalists and thicko, coke-snorting neo-cons to merciless ridicule. You'll find plenty of suitable candidates for this activity right here on these forums. Some will accuse you of trolling for doing this. Such people are heathens, led astray by false prophets. We know the truth, it's called piracy.

- Revering pasta which is sacred. As is the letter 'R', which should be vocalised aloud at frequent intervals each day, in a ludicrously piratical manner.

- Most important of all: have fun and enjoy your life, because it's far more precious than some would have you believe (followers of death-cults, mostly):

I'm sure there's more, but this is what springs to mind immediately. So there you have it, that's the package in a nutshell. I'll post some FAQs in the next day or two.

Rum, piracy, wenches, stars, sucking the marrow out of life....

            ...what's not to like?

For the sake of further clarity and honesty, I should declare that I look less like him:

and more like him:

...which is a good thing.

I've always thought Jack Sparrow is a rubbish pirate actually. Sure, he looks pretty, but what bloody use is a male pirate that looks pretty?  Female pirates can look as pretty as they like, or as slutty as they like, or not as they wish, that's because they are wenches one and all and they can look however they want to look on any given day of the week (got that, brothers?)

Besides, Johnny Depp is just an actor; Mark E Smith on the other hand, quite apart from being a national treasure, has been ravaging the high seas of the music industry for over 30 years and he can drop a man twice his size at ten paces with one lash of his northern tongue. Pirate, through an' through.

Still not convinced? Listen to them and tell me I lie (the first quote is made up actually, but you get the point. The second one is genuine):

"Bish, bosh, bash. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Matey." Jack Sparrow.

"If it's me and your granny on bongos it's still The Fall." Mark E Smith.

I'll buy that.

You would.

Well yeah, I kind of just said that.

You would say that too

Now now lads, no squabbling please, or one of yuz'll be walking the plank (and I think I know which one).

The best way of solving conflict is to throw both parties off a ship, I always say.

A bit harsh, even for me.

Ghost dude didn't like me, I disagreed with him on something...

You're half right. It's true I don't like you, but not because you've disagreed with me (lots of people do that); I just don't like you - you've spent far too much time trawling the video gaming forums, and it shows.

Hey! That's my Mermaid...! Were did you find her?

In the water, I'm guessing.

I am sorry Liner! I was confused yesterday and little drunk....now I can clearly see that it's not my mermaid. First of all she looks a bit transsexual to me and second this song you posted...oh! my God!...pure gay stuff.

Am I to take it you're naturally attracted to transsexuals then? She's a siren Bishop, sirens don't do Bruce Springsteen.

You've already made a complete and utter total dick of yourself once elsewhere in these forums, don't tell me you're a slow learner as well?

Born in the U.S.A...oh yeah! No my friend I love you what ever you are, I don't care. I am happy for you.

Sorry...sometimes we people don't make thinks look better. Get over it...I do.

That'll do. I can't pretend that I'm an expert at this internet blogging malarkey, but I believe the expression is:

/facepalm

So, farewell then Bishop_g5, you have the dubious honour of being the first wank-merchant to walk Siren's plank.

Nobody can say I didn't give him a chance, but that bloke's as mad as a box of frogs.