| Football Fan To The Rescue |
| Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet". |
DIVERT YOU COURCE, FREAKS!
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| The honeymoon is over |
| A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!" |
| Child custody |
| A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" |
| Expert in the kitchen |
| An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..." |
| Men vs. Women: Round 1 |
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NICKNAMES
EATING OUT
MONEY
BATHROOMS
ARGUMENTS
CATS
FUTURE
SUCCESS
MARRIAGE
DRESSING UP
NATURAL
OFFSPRING
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
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| Beautiful? |
| There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” |
| Practice Makes Perfect |
| Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? |
| Who's the Most Fun to Operate On? |
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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a.. and head are interchangeable". |
| Psychiatric Hotline |
| We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer any way. |
| Blonde Diet |
| There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days -- “Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then on the third day, skip.” So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, “How is your diet?” She said, “Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me tired.” |
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"